Dallas 2012 Spinoff - John Ross and Pamela
by Etta Garber
Summary: Is it possible to ever get back something you've destroyed? Can John Ross ever redeem himself after causing Pamela to attempt suicide? No. Never. Not in a million years. Unless...
1. Season 1, Episode 1 - Survive

Dallas 2012 Spinoff - John Ross and Pamela,

Season 1, Episode 1 - Survive

John Ross is sitting next to Pamela's hospital bed. He's feeling pretty crappy. The woman he loves has taken a massive dose of pills in an attempt to end her life, after finding out he's betrayed her. Her stomach's been pumped but she might still die. She hasn't regained consciousness yet.

The same thoughts are going round and round in his head and the flashbacks keep coming. His mother had warned him not to hurt Pamela like this. He had never meant for her to find out. He always meant to end it with Emma, as soon as he got what he needed from her. He was just doing what he had to do for business. Just making one more play. But Pamela was the love of his life, and now he could lose her for good.

His heart had nearly stopped when Pamela discovered him and Emma in the Omni Hotel. He knew he was caught and there was no explaining it away. When that freaky thing happened, when she said, "May I join you?" he was horrified. As addicted as he was to sex, he had never in his wildest imagination contemplated sharing his wife in a threesome. But he thought in some weird way, if he played along, he would still have a chance with her. But when she started to seize up, unable to breathe, and they found the pills she'd ingested, he realized what was happening. He was getting the most horrible comeuppance a scoundrel like him could get. His wife had figured a way to punish him, kill his libido for life, and shame him, all in one masterful stroke. And Emma, too. She had made them both a party to her suicide.

That's how much he had hurt her. He'd hurt her so much she was throwing away her life. Of course. It had been the last straw for her. He could see it now. She felt she had no one, no reason left to live. After all she'd been through, with her father blowing up the rig when she was on it, killing her twin babies. She'd come to believe in John Ross, to trust him, to believe he was the one person who wouldn't hurt her.

If only she survived, he would make her understand what she meant to him. He would do anything. He would take all the blame for his behavior. If only she wouldn't hurt herself. It was his fault, not hers.

A moan came from the woman on the bed. She was slowly opening her eyes. "Pammie?"

She moved both hands to her stomach, as if it hurt. The doctor had said the after effects of the stomach pumping could be painful. "What's the matter, honey? You in pain? I'll get the nurse."

Pamela's eyes were wild now, she seemed to be remembering how she had gotten here. "Baby, hang on, it's gonna get better. I'm gonna make it better…" he said, even as he knew how lame that sounded. "Nurse, get in here!"

And then it happened. Pamela shrieked like a disembodied thing and started pulling at her gown and hair, and trying to rip the IV out of her arm. "I want to be dead. Why am I not dead?" she raged.

"Pamela, calm down, now. Baby, don't hurt yourself. Stop." He tried to hold her down. This just infuriated her further. She shrieked and snarled and fought him with all her might. "I want to be dead!"

Several nurses and doctors came in and held down her arms and legs, she was so demonically strong. "We're going to give her a sedative."

The sedative knocked her out.

"What happens now?" he asked the doctor.

"Well, she needs to be under the care of a psychiatrist. If she's still actively determined to commit suicide she needs intervention and security."

"I want the best care for her that money can buy." John Ross Ewing asserted. But from then on it just got worse. Any time she came near to consciousness the rage began again. It seemed she couldn't live with the pain in her head.

"We can't keep her sedated forever," A handsome, compassionate psychiatrist named Dr. Macnamara, who had been called in to consult, said. "We have to find a way to deal with the pain she's feeling so she can tolerate being conscious."

They transported her while she was sedated to his private clinic, with state of the art facilities that catered to the well endowed.

When John Ross saw her settled safe in a bed he ran to the penthouse to shower and change for the first time in days.

When he got back to her room she was in a full on rage, being restrained by several bulky orderlies. Seeing him just intensified her state so the doctor yelled to the orderlies, "Get him out of here."

He stood outside her room for a few minutes, tears running down his face while he heard her howl and then a nurse quickly ushered him out of the hallway into the doctor's office. This room was filled with TV monitors. He watched in horror as they got Pamela sedated again, then put her in a straight jacket and carried her to the padded cell. The last scene he saw, before the doctor walked in and switched off the monitors was his wife's body lying inert on a padded cell floor, restrained by a straightjacket.

"Why do you have to keep her in a straightjacket if she's in that cell?" he asked.

"Because, even though we've cut her nails as short as they can be cut, she can still do damage to herself."

"Can't you give her some other kind of medication?"

"Mr. Ewing, your wife has suffered a break. Now, we will try to ameliorate her state by giving her some meds, but ultimately, her recovery depends on her being able to cope with reality."

Now John Ross asked the question he was mortally afraid to ask. "And is there hope, Doc, of her recovering?"

"There is always hope," the compassionate man said, touching his arm in a familiar way. "But I'm going to need you to tell me her story. Every last possible detail. I need to know why she wants so badly to die."

After an hour session with the doctor, where he revealed the life and trials of Pamela Barnes Ewing as if it were a tragic, seedy movie, with him playing a title role, he left the clinic and headed straight for a bar. The barkeep poured him a triple Bourbon and Branch and he picked up the glass.

His purpose was to try and erase the picture of his beloved wife laying on the floor of that cell. The place where his careless actions had put her.

As he looked at his reflection in the mirror he had a momentary flash of his drunk mother. It stopped him in his tracks and he put the glass down. Then he said to himself, "You know what John Ross? You don't get to drown your sorrows. If Pamela's in hell, then you're going to be in hell right along side her. No escape for you. It's the least you owe her."

End of Episode 1


	2. Season 1, Episode 2 - Kept Apart

John Ross and Pamela, Season 1, Episode 2 – Kept Apart

After a short night's sleep John Ross got up and went to the hospital. He didn't like what he heard.

"I'm afraid it's not a good idea for you to be here," Doc Macnamara said. "Now that I know what precipitated the events, I feel that your presence will just exacerbate her pain. I'm sorry Mr. Ewing, but you're going to have to stay away and trust us to do our best for your wife."

He walked out of there feeling worse than anything. In the parking lot he turned on the car radio loud enough to blow out his ear drums and started going through his text messages. There were at least ten from his aunt Annie asking him to call. He shut off the radio to listen to his voice mail.

"John Ross, darling, there's been a fire at Southfork. Your mother…ah…darling, call me. Or come to Dallas General Hospital."

"Jesus!" His mother was in a fire? Was she alive? Was she burned?

He was choking down tears the whole way there, "Please God. Oh God. I deserve it. But don't take my Mama away from me too."

He ran in to the burn unit and immediately found Anne and Emma sitting there.

"John Ross, where have you been?!" his aunt Annie hugged him desperately.

"My Mama, where is she? Is she…is she…dead?" his voice broke.

His eyes connected with Emma's for a split second. She was looking at him with such empathy in her blue eyes. Why hadn't she told her mother about Pamela? Probably to cover her own ass. The same reason he hadn't called everybody at Southfork to hold vigil with him. Shame.

"John Ross, you have to be strong now. Your Mama was in the house when the fire broke out. Your uncle Bobby and Christopher tried to find her, and I guess, I guess they were looking for me as well."

"Cut to the chase, Aunt Annie, tell me how my Mama is. Is she dead?"

"No darling, she's alive, but—"

"Where is she? I want to see her!"

"Down the hall in the ICU. But John Ross, there's more you should know."

He ran to the nurse's station, shouting for Sue Ellen Ewing's room. He was led into a room with a plastic tent around a bed. He looked in it and saw his mother laying there, as beautiful as she had always been. But mortally still. She wasn't breathing on her own. Some machine was breathing for her.

"What's the matter with her?"

"She's inhaled a lot of smoke, they're not sure she'll pull through," Annie answered. "Bobby and Christopher did too," she added.

"Christ!"

"But they're in better shape. As a matter of fact Christopher was released yesterday," she went on. "Pamela's car was gone, so we know nothing happened to her. But we haven't heard from her."

Now John Ross couldn't put it off any longer. "She tried to commit suicide two nights ago, Aunt Annie. Because of something I did," he said, looking at the floor.

The sharp intake of breath made him look up into her eyes. "I know what you did, John Ross. You and Emma. Sue Ellen and I were with Pamela when they sent her that horrible tape."

"What tape?"

"The disgusting tape of you and my daughter having…sex."

"My mother saw that?"

"Yes. She was broken hearted for Pamela. And herself too. She said it reminded her of all the pain your father put her through."

John Ross couldn't take this anymore. He walked out of there to get some much needed air. His throat was threatening to close up. He couldn't breathe.

Outside in the parking lot he walked to and fro. His mother had been hurt by his actions too. After he had done that monstrous thing, having her committed. He'd put her in a place like Pamela was in now. And the reason for it was greed, pure and simple. So that he could have control of the vote on the Ewing Energies board.

He walked slowly up the stairwell again, to go be near his mother. At the top of the stairs Emma was waiting for him.

"Couldn't tell your Mama what happened, huh?" he said to her.

"Never. I don't want her to ever know what happened in that hotel room."

"It's too late. She saw a tape of you and me somebody sent Pamela. Didn't she tell you?"

"Somebody? Who?"

"As a matter of fact," John Ross now grabbed her by the throat and pushed her up against the wall, "How do I know it wasn't you who sent that?"

"Let go of me. I would never do that. I like Pamela."

"Then how come you haven't asked me if she's dead or alive?" he said, letting her go.

"How is she?"

"She's out of her mind. It broke. We broke it. They got her locked up in a padded cell and sedated so she won't kill herself. "

Somehow, it was oddly comforting to be able to talk to the other perpetrator in honest terms. The tears were now streaming down his face and he was wiping them with his fingers.

Emma came closer and took his face in her hands and put her lips on his. He grabbed her hands and yanked them off his face. Then he took several steps back. "You and I are over. This can never happen again."

"But I can make you feel better," she said, moving forward.

"Don't ever put your hands on me again. Stay away from me, you hear?" he pulled the door open and there was Annie. He pushed past her and kept on his way. Let her deal with her daughter.

He met Christopher in Bobby's room and got the scoop on the condition of Southfork and who they thought was responsible. Christopher was pursuing that. He didn't care about it. Southfork was the least of his worries.

He was back at the Psychiatric clinic the next morning.

"Mr. Ewing, I thought I had explained the situation to you," Doctor Macnamara was gentle but condescending.

"I can't be away from her. I need to see her every day, even if it's just on the monitors." He pleaded. "I want to know how she's doing."

"Well, I need to let you know that I'll be trying a new experimental approach with her. It involves hypnosis."

"Hypnosis?"

"Yes. If we can compartmentalize her mind, putting all the painful stuff away in a box, maybe we can make her functional again. It's experimental, but it might work."

"Do it, Doc."

"Mr. Ewing, please understand, I can't just wave a magic wand. It will take months of work to build the walls she needs. And even if we succeed she will always be kind of fragile. You would have to protect her from strong trauma, from people who might talk to her about these things and break down the walls."

John Ross reflected, on his drive out to Southfork. If he could get back any part of her, he wanted it. Even if they had to brainwash her and keep all her painful memories apart. Maybe that would be for the best.

In the padded cell, Dr. Macnamara was trying to coax a wild and cagey Pamela to accept hypnosis. "Listen to me, Pamela. I can get you relief. You don't have to suffer. Listen to the sound of my voice…"

End of Episode 2


	3. Season 1, Episode 3 - Flowers

John Ross and Pamela, Season 1, Episode 3 – Flowers

Three months later John Ross walks into the clinic with his usual offering for his wife, a small bouquet of cut flowers. Sometimes they were blue delphiniums, sometimes delicate white orchids. But it was always something. She didn't know they came from him, he just wanted something from him to be near her.

He checked both ways to make sure he wasn't going to be bumping into her. The Doc had impressed _that_ upon him enough times. But then, the exact thing he was trying to avoid happened. The Doc's door opened and Pamela was coming out of it.

John Ross froze on the spot. He didn't know what he should do. But his eyes devoured her. She was ever so beautiful in that still, regal fashion.

She spoke first, "John Ross. You came to see me." She said it softly, like she was surprised.

"How are you, darling?" He didn't try to touch her.

She looked to the Doc to see what she should answer. He could tell the Doc was a little bit irritated with him. He'd warned him so many times to stay away.

"I'm getting better. Right, Doc?"

"Yes, Pamela. We still have some work to do, but you're getting better every day."

"When can she come home, Doc?" John Ross blurted out, before he could stop himself.

"Nurse, will you take Mrs. Ewing back to her room now?" the Doctor smiled at Pamela. "You've done very good work today Pamela. You can get some rest now. It's okay, go with Kelly now."

John Ross watched as she went away, docile. His hungry eyes took in every detail, smiling at her as she looked back at him.

"Oh, wait." He lunged forward, proffering his flowers. "These are for you."

She took them and examined them from every angle. "They're beautiful. So…the flowers were from you." The nurse ushered her away gently as she cradled them to herself.

John Ross let out one big sigh of relief as he turned to face the Doc. "Now, that didn't go so badly." He tried to make amends to the doctor as he went into his office.

"Maybe." The doctor answered in one word.

"I know I probably should have talked to you first, but how about it? When can she come home with me?"

Now the Doc didn't spare any words."Mr. Ewing if you think that you can have your wife back to play house with, to…to have sex with her, as if nothing had happened-"

"Now hold on a minute Doc, who do you take me for?" He felt himself color up in shame. But at the same time he wasn't gonna let some Ivy League nerd head he was paying a fortune to, make him feel like a pervert. "I have never in my life forced myself on a woman and I'm not about to start now." he spat back, with the force people had come to associate with John Ross Ewing.

The Doctor now chose his words more carefully. "Mr. Ewing I didn't mean to suggest any such thing. But you have to understand the fragility of your wife. She is highly suggestible. Her desire to please others might cause her to do things that ultimately might not be the best thing for...Pamela herself."

There was a reason he had never said to the doc, "Call me John Ross." He wanted to preserve the proper relationship between them, because the doc had the tiniest tendency to speak condescendingly to him.

"How can I explain it to you," Dr. McNamara said. "Your wife is like a de-clawed kitten. She has no defenses. Anybody can take advantage of her."

John Ross ignored the obvious innuendo, that he himself would try to take advantage of her fragile state, and said, "Well, I would be taking her home to Southfork. No one would harm her within our property."

"Then there's the issue of the familiar surroundings," the Doc Countered. "Anything might trigger a memory. The smallest trinket in her room. Here, we have a controlled environment."

"Doc, you might have heard that we had a fire at Southfork. We've had to rebuild. I made a completely new master suite for Pamela. Everything in it would be new. No reminders."

"I'm afraid we'll have to continue this conversation another day, Mr. Ewing. I'm scheduled for rounds about now," he said, standing up.

"Sure, Doc." He knew when he was being stonewalled.

The next day he was especially careful in the flowers he selected. They were a short bouquet of roses. The shade was a very gentle blush pink. Nothing overwhelming. Just a subtle reminder he was around.

He took a different car, one with tinted windows, to the clinic and waited in the parking lot until he saw the doctor leave the premises.

"Hi." He said to the nurse at the station. "How's my wife today?"

"She's been fine Mr. Ewing. But if you want more information about her condition you'll have to talk to Dr. McNamara.

"Well, I brought her some flowers. Is there any chance that I could give them to her myself? Just for a minute?"

"I'm sorry Mr. Ewing but Dr. McNamara left strict instructions that she's not to receive any visitors."

He handed over the flowers. "Perhaps you can give these to her and tell her they're from me."

"Oh these are beautiful Mr. Ewing. She's going to love these."

"Does she ever ask about me?"

"As a matter of fact she just asked about you today, sir."

"What exactly did she say," he pumped.

"Oh well, she just wondered how come you'd never come to visit before."

As he drove home he felt all kinds of furious. That stupid punk ass doctor had been telling him to stay away for months and Pamela had been asking for him? He hated that doctor.

Yeah, he'd been living like a monk for three months. But that didn't mean he would jump Pamela as soon as he got her home. He would never do anything to make her sad again.

But who was he kidding? He knew he didn't deserve another chance after what he'd done. The only reason she smiled at him yesterday was because she didn't remember.

Bruno Mars came on the car radio singing one of his ballads.

"I should've brought you flowers  
and held your hand  
given you all my hours  
when I was your man."

By the time the song was halfway through, tears were streaming down John Ross' face because he was so afraid he might've blown it for good and would never have another chance with Pamela.

The following morning Dr. McNamara had his usual hypnosis session with Pamela. She was lying on the patient couch with her eyes closed, already under the influence. He started to speak softly to her.

"Now Pamela, the time has come to give you back a few of your claws. We don't want you to be out in the world completely unprotected. So, any time someone touches you in a private way, and you feel uncomfortable, you won't feel well, you will shut down and move away from them."

Now he got up from behind his desk and approached her. "Is that clear to you Pamela?" he asked.

"Yes Dr. McNamara," she replied, sweetly.

"That's a good girl, Pamela," he said, "You're a very good girl."

End of Episode 3


	4. Season 1, Episode 4 - Homecoming

John Ross was nothing if not determined. Being bullheaded always made him follow his own lead. Once again John Ross tried to arrive at the doctor's office exactly at the moment he knew Pamela would be ending a session. He did this for about a week, always there with the flowers to exchange a few words and let her know he was there for her.

The doctor tried hard to conceal his irritation. John Ross didn't give a damn. He was always working his own plan. Today was no different.

"Ain't it a fine day today, darling," he said, in front of the doctor, "Care to take a stroll with me in the garden?" Then he turned, "That would be okay wouldn't it, Doc ?"

In the garden he opened the gate for her. "So what do you do with all your time?"

"Not very much." She answered. "Actually, I'm very bored."

"Is that a fact? Well, you know at Southfork we have a pool and horses and every kind of entertainment you could possibly want. I don't suppose you'd be bored there."

"When can I go home?" She asked, looking at him earnestly with those baby blues.

He spluttered. "Darling, anytime you're ready. They're dying to have you."

"They?" She asked, and he could see she was uneasy at the idea of other people.

"I built us our own little apartment, honey. You can have all the privacy you want."

"Okay," she smiled softly, and his heart skipped a beat.

"Alright, let's go pack your bags then!"

"Mr. Ewing I must object in the strongest terms. You have no idea how dangerous this is. How precarious, how fragile your wife's stability is. I must say, this is selfish on your part. She isn't ready."

John Ross was becoming less sure of himself by the moment, with the Doc practically yelling at him. But he wasn't about to let it show.

"Doc, she was the one who asked me to come home. I'm not the one who's going to deny her anything she wants."

The Doc looked surprised for a moment then sneered, "I have no doubt you manipulated her into thinking so. But she needs security, a stable environment. Not- to go back to the same situation that put her here in the first place."

"You don't have to worry, Doc. I have changed my wicked ways. I will never cheat on my wife again. All I want in this life is her happiness."

"Her treatment is not completed. You may think you have a docile wife, but all that self destructive rage is just pent up and very close to the surface."

"Well she can continue treatment. I promise I'll bring her back for every appointment. Faithfully. Word of honor."

Not even that appeased him. "You're very reckless, Mr. Ewing. Very reckless. I hope you don't live to regret it." He shook his head bitterly.

John Ross got out of there to look for a place where he could call home and warn them of Pamela's coming. That doctor had freaked the shit out of him. He had to make sure there wouldn't be any awkward encounters. He had spent all his time preparing the place but not the people.

But as luck would have it he bumped into Pamela, ready with her bag.

The Doctor hid his displeasure and smiled at Pamela. "I expect to see you for our sessions every day then."

"Can I come every other day Doctor?" she asked.

There was a slight hesitation. "As you wish."

In the car John Ross was cheerful and tried to buy time. "How about we go and get the biggest burger to celebrate your freedom. No? Ice cream?"

"I just want to go home," she smiled.

"Southfork it is then."

When they get to Soutfork John Ross just parked the car and slipped her right into the new master suite. He proudly introduced her to every feature of the apartment until they came to the bed.

"Look, I can sleep in another room if you... if you need some space. I don't want you to feel any pressure..."

His libido leapt up like a flame when she said, "John Ross I don't want to be alone." But then he was left hanging when she said, "But you're right, let's take it slow."

What the hell did women mean anyway when they said that?

After a quiet dinner with Annie and Bobby ( thank God everyone else was out), he found himself preparing for bed with Pamela, who said, "I didn't realize how tired I was."

He watched her surreptitiously as she slipped under the covers beside him and proceeded to go to sleep.

There would be no sleep for him. He was fully aroused and just wanted to feast his eyes on her. Every curve of her face he examined. Every time she moved he was moved too, like someone was stirring the embers of a dying campfire. Each timed he dosed off he was awakened again to suffer the same sweet torture. He remembered all over again that she was beside him. It was like getting exactly what you wanted on Christmas morning. And then he felt that twinge of fear, and conscience. Like the other shoe was about to drop.

Somewhere in the middle of the night she began to whimper. Tiny sounds that horrified and alarmed him. He thought she was reliving the horrors of her suffering in a nightmare. "Noooo. Don't do that. Don't touch me there."

John Ross got off the bed now, and vowed that he would sleep on the couch from now on. He didn't want a wife that was afraid of him, who didn't want him to touch her.

The next morning John Ross and Pamela were having a quiet breakfast at the kitchen table when one by one the family started to appear. First Annie, then Bobbie and Christopher come in from outside. When Sue Ellen showed up, because it was the weekend, he began to feel there were too many people at Southfork.

How was he going to manage his mother so she wouldn't start asking Pamela impertinent questions. She was like a loose cannon.

No sooner was Sue Ellen settled at the table with her cup of tea, the door opened again. This time John Ross' heart literally stopped. What in the hell was Emma doing there?

The cold breeze seemed come in with her. A chill settled on everyone in the room.


	5. Season 1, Episode 5 - Hot and Cold

John Ross and Pamela, Season 1, Episode 5 – Hot and Cold

There was a perceptible chill that came over the room when Emma walked in on breakfast at Southfork. Even though John Ross had not had a formal sit down with the family to explain what things they should talk about with Pamela and what they shouldn't bring up, everyone in the room knew that this was an awkward situation.

Emma most of all. She looked at Pamela with clear apprehension in her eyes. But Pamela's reaction was very warm, she immediately got up from the table and went forward to kiss Emma on the cheek.

"I know it's been a long time since we've seen each other," she said, "But I'm still the same. How are you doing? What's been going on in your life? I've been in a mental institution. Ha ha Ha!"

Then she turned around and looked at it everybody else and said, "Come on everybody, don't worry I'm not going to spaz out."

A ripple of laughter went around the room along with a measurable sigh of relief that Pamela didn't remember what John Ross and Emma had done to her.

John Ross tried to catch Emma's eye, just to shoot her a warning, but she was too busy sitting next to Pamela and talking, like they were old girlfriends.

Uncle Bobby and Christopher were talking to him, trying to get everybody interested in going to see a Cowboys game the next day as a family. Uncle Bobby was forever trying to get them to be a better family.

But John Ross' heartbeat wouldn't settle down. There was something very creepy about seeing your wife buddy buddy with your ex mistress. He didn't trust Emma.

But it was Sue Ellen who put her foot in it. "What now Pamela? What did the doctors say? Are you home for good?" she asked, across the table.

Pamela looked up, wide eyed.

"Not now, Mama," John Ross rescued her. "We're not going to talk about any of that stuff. We're just going to take it one day at a time. And we'd appreciate it if you would all help us with that."

"Of course, of course." everybody seemed to be on board.

"Well if you all don't mind I'm going to show Pamela the new stuff on the ranch," John Ross jumped at the chance to break it up. "How about that darling? Would you like to go for a horseback ride with me?"

"Sure," she answered, as he got her hand and pulled her out of the chair.

"I'll walk down to the stables with you two," Emma said.

John Ross must've looked really taken aback, because Annie jumped in and said "Oh honey, just wait a few minutes, I'd like to talk to you."

"Relax mama," she laughed "It's not like I was about to join them and make it a threesome. I'm just going to practice my dressage," she said.

John Ross could've strangled the little bitch for her using the word threesome like that. But he was more worried about Pamela so he whisked her out of there.

At the stables she said, "John Ross, I don't know if I can drive a horse. I still feel a little shaky."

"It's all right, honey. Samson here can take the both of us." He brought the stallion out of his stall.

"Are you sure he won't mind?"

"Hell no. Samson here is an awesome mighty stud." He patted the black horse on the neck. "He can handle anything."

He climbed atop the horse and held out his hand to her. "Step on my boot there, darling. No, use the other foot."

As he hoisted her body and swung her around to sit in front of him she gasped, "Oh my god, it's so high."

"Don't worry baby, I got you. Trust me." He put one arm around her waist and held the reigns with the other.

Pamela leaned back against John Ross and closed her eyes for a moment. She felt the slow easy pace of the horse walking forward. By and by she opened her eyes and saw that they were in a forest of tall pines and grassy floors. Slowly, he picked up the pace and they climbed a gentle slope. Soon they came out on the ridge, where undulating hills as far the sky stretched before them. The distant herd moved slowly, driven by a handful of cowboys that knew their trade. John Ross guided Samson to flow along side of the heard. Pamela had never been this close to the grandiose spectacle that was the heart and soul of Texas. It was breathtaking.

She had both hands on the pommel. John Ross had let Samson have his head and he had slowly picked up speed to outrun the heard.

"Scared?" John Ross whispered in her ear.

Pamela realized she was thrilled to the core. She felt like she was flying. At a high altitude and without a net. But she wasn't one bit afraid because John Ross was holding her and she trusted his strength, his skill, his sheer masculinity. She felt safer than she had ever felt in her life. It was the kind of feeling she had longed for and that she had never gotten from her father.

She turned a bit in the saddle to smile at him. "No. I'm not scared. It feels wonderful."

John Ross had forgotten all his worries. For him there was nothing but the moment. The past few months, those horrible months when he was afraid she wouldn't recover her sanity, drifted away. He felt her slight body against his, stirring up his pulse. He could have put his lips on her hair, kissed her neck, whispered in her ear. But he held himself in check. He merely reigned in Samson by a creek and dismounted, reaching up to help her down off the horse. Her body brushed his as he slid her down.

Pamela felt warm inside. She was so keyed up and afraid it would show that she wanted him to take her in his arms and make wild love to her in this secluded mossy spot.

"Thank you, John Ross," she whispered.

He looked into her eyes, put her hand on his chest and said, "Feel my heart, darling."

Pamela knew what would happen next and she wanted it. His smoldering eyes were devouring her. He bent his head and took her lips. She felt a visceral thrill and a melting in her core.

And then a horrible panic overcame her. She couldn't breathe almost.

"Pamie?" He tipped his head sideways in that characteristic fashion, as she slipped through his fingers, backing away from him.

When he reached out and pulled her back into his arms he heard a strangled whimper, "Don't touch me!"

He dropped her arms as if they had burned his fingers.

She backed away wildly until she collided with Samson, whose discipline did not allow him to get spooked. So great was Pamela's panic attack that she grabbed the pommel, stuck her foot in the stirrup and hoisted herself upon him.

"Pamela don't!" John Ross moved forward.

But she reeled the horse around and kicked him so hard in the sides that he had to obey and he leapt forward, leaving the scene at a breakneck pace.

"Pamela!" John Ross could only yell, as his wife ran away from him.

It was near sundown when John Ross reached the stables on foot and in a bad mood. He had kicked himself and cursed himself for making a move on Pamela. He had agonized about her safety and jogged home at no mean speed. But they had been nigh on ten miles out when they first dismounted. Even with all the shortcuts it had taken hours for him to get back on foot. He had not called anyone to pick him up because he didn't want to explain why his wife had bolted on him.

Emma emerged from a stall. "What's the matter John Ross? Trouble in paradise?"

Had she been loitering around the stables this late in the hopes of ambushing him? "My only trouble is I've got a serpent in my paradise."

He went to Samson's stall to check that he was alright. He was stomping around with his saddle still on him. Could he have arrived alone or had she just neglected to take the saddle off? Was she laying out there on the range somewhere? He took off running up to the house, his heart in a panic.

He opened the door to their room and at first it seemed empty. "Pamela?"

He saw her then, sitting in the corner of the room, on the floor, her back up against the wall. "Honey? You alright?" he dropped down on his knees, at the same time catching his breath.

She shrunk away from him. It pained him.

"I need to be alone, John Ross," she said, faintly. He had trouble even hearing her.

"Have you eaten anything today, Pamela?" Had she even had some water?

"I need to be alone," she repeated, a little louder.

"Alright, I'll give you your space. But I'll bring you a tray first."

He brought back a tray and set it on the floor in front of her, then he went to the closet to grab some sweats. When he came back she hadn't touched anything so he opened the bottle of water and said, "Drink."

She flinched again. He couldn't take it anymore so he left, closing the door softly behind him.

He was in another bedroom upstairs, but unable to relax. What if she did something to hurt herself? He couldn't push his way in there, what if it caused her to break? He flashed back to the terrible rage episodes, the Pamela that wanted to be dead. He cursed his pigheadedness, his impatience to get her out. What if the Doc was right? She was suffering.

John Ross got up now, and barefoot, he let himself out a window and unto the roof. Very carefully, he walked to one of the skylights to his and Pamela's suite. He got down on his belly and looked in. He saw her, still sitting in the same spot. The tray and even the water, were untouched.

It was the longest night of his life, now exceeding the other vigils he had spent next to Pamela's hospital bed. He nearly froze, but he kept silent watch, hoping she would exhaust herself and climb into the bed. But she didn't move at all.

What hellish labyrinth of the mind was she caught in? What monsters inhabited that space with her? Tomorrow, he would take her back to the Doc.


	6. Season 1, Episode 6 -Boxed In

John Ross and Pamela, Season 1, Episode 6 - Boxed In

John Ross woke up with a start. Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning he had dozed off on the roof while watching Pamela. The sun was already high in the sky and made it hard to see through the skylight. But when his eyes adjusted and he looked, she was gone. He got up quickly and walked back to the window he had come out of the night before. He ran down the stairs to his room. He stopped in front of the door to collect himself. He let himself in quietly. She wasn't there.

"Alright, don't panic." He told himself.

He went to the kitchen and found his aunt there.

"Have u seen Pamela, Aunt Annie?"

"Last I saw she was headed for the pool."

He felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. When he approached the pool, though, he heard her and Emma laughing.

Quickly, he retraced his steps and got on some swimming trunks in the bedroom and grabbed a beer in the kitchen and sauntered out to the pool.

"Ladies. How's the water this morning?"

He ignored Emma, whose eyes were sliding down his body like an addict in withdrawal, and looked straight at his wife. She smiled at him so unreservedly he wondered if he had imagined all that had happened the night before.

"You okay, baby?" He asked.

"Never better. Emma's been cracking me up." She looked at her with real affection.

John Ross purposely didn't, when he said, "You move back in Emma?"

"No John Ross, I just stuck around because I'm going to the football game this afternoon with y'all," she answered.

He looked at Pamela. "Did u want to go to that, darling? You don't have to."

"I'm looking forward to it." She said, and leaned over to squeeze his hand. He held those fingers ever so slightly, but they were his lifeline.

Emma got up, stretched her body and walked into the pool.

He sat back in the lounger, still holding Pamela's hand. "This is pretty nice." His heartbeat was beginning to normalize. He wouldn't bring up last night unless she did.

Pamela thought it was pretty nice too. She loved him. She wanted to be near him all the time. It was like a fever. But look at how messed up she was. Full of freakish contradictions. She wanted John Ross but couldn't let him love her. And he was being so patient, like he had always had been. So loving and unselfish, always concerned about her well-being. She felt it even when he didn't show it. He was her knight in shining armor. God, how she loved this man. Nothing would ever change that.

_Weeks later_

John Ross was in his office, but as usual he was thinking about his wife.  
Pamela was now in more danger than ever. All because of the company. They were circling her like buzzards around a carcass. Now that she had been released and was better, there were any number of attacks to be expected. Not only could someone try again to send her video of his affair, someone could also try to talk to her about their framing of her father for JR's death.

She was the only thing standing in the way of a complete takeover of Ewing Global by Nickolas Trevino and his shady backers. The fact that she had become incapacitated by a breakdown and he had had to assume control of her shares had been the only glitch in their perfect plan to take over during the IPO. He had had bum trace the source of that videogram to Pamela's cell. Their nefarious plan, instead of turning her against the Ewings, had caused her to have a breakdown.

But now, if they got wind that her precarious recovery was because her memory had been boxed up, they might try to do it again. And even though Emma had not been the one to send the tape the first time, he didn't trust her as far as he could spit. She might think it was to her advantage somehow, to let it all slip to Pamela again.

He didn't feel he could talk to anyone about the danger she was in. His uncle Bobby was so disgusted with him for what he had done to her he couldn't bring it up. Christopher didn't know the real reason for Pamela's breakdown. He still thought it had something to do with her father and the babies. In fact, Christopher had become very tender toward Pamela since she'd been in the hospital. He felt somehow, that her suffering was his responsibility. He'd told John Ross he hadn't protected Pamela when she needed him. When she was pregnant and being battered by her supposed brother. He been so angry at her for her betrayal he had failed to pay attention to the signs of abuse. No, he couldn't talk to him either, without revealing that his part in Pamela's breakdown was much worse than his.

His mother, well, he would probably cause her to go back to the bottle if he talked to her. Hell, she could be drinking right now and hiding it. And even though she loved him he couldn't trust her anymore. Besides, he bore a lot of guilt for sending her there, with all his misbehavior.

He was dueling in the shadows, without backup, and the worst of it was that he himself had given their enemies the ammunition with which to bring them down, and to hurt the woman he loved.

Funny, the company wasn't his first love anymore. He would give it all up, if he could keep Pamela. But there were no guarantees she would even want to stay with him once she knew the truth, and he was getting so damn sick of all the lies.

He was caught between wanting to tell the truth, the corporate intrigue and danger to her, the fear of losing her, and his love for her. He was completely boxed in.

Pamela knew she had to go see Dr. McNamara today, but she didn't want to. She had such mixed feelings about him. Sometimes he put his hand on her arm or on her hair, and it felt creepy. But there was no way she could explain to anyone that she sometimes felt like her psychiatrist was hitting on her. She couldn't tell that to John Ross because of his temper. "He'll probably go and beat the doctor," she giggled.

Dr. McNamara had explained to her that they had a lot of work to do yet, in order for her to be well. He told her that the reason for her breakdown was that she couldn't face the things that happened in her life, and that had made her try to commit suicide.

He said perhaps it would take years for her to be able to face it all and that she should not be too curious about those causes. He would lead her into that territory gradually as he felt she could handle it. She was okay with that. She knew there was a lot of fear there, that sometimes overwhelmed her, and that she didn't want to know what was in the box.

She went to her sessions religiously because she knew she had to get better. She wanted to be a complete person so that she could love John Ross the way he loved her.

"C'mon, this is your job now." She got up, resolute.

When Pamela left her session with Dr. McNamara she didn't go home right away as usual. She felt icky. She couldn't explain the feeling, it just made her feel desperate. She wanted to see John Ross right away. He was the only one who could calm down this anxiety she felt, so she went to the Ewing Global offices, a place she hadn't set foot in in many months.

As Pamela walked out of the elevator she immediately felt all eyes on her. She straightened her back, and tried to look serene, answering the greetings of the secretaries who spoke to her. She was Pamela Barnes Ewing after all, and she should not forget it.

John Ross came out of his office as soon as he saw her. She could have run in to his arms. But he did not seem so inviting.

"What brings you to Ewing Global darling?" He asked, as he close the door to his office.

"Oh, I just wanted to see you," she said, "I can't explain why, but I had to."

"Wait here a minute, baby," he said and walked out to his secretary. She heard him ask her to cancel all his meetings for the rest of the day. She felt guilty.

"John Ross I didn't mean for you to do that. I only wanted a minute of your time."

"Well you've got all of me, darling," he said, smiling in his devastating way. She worried about what he expected but then relaxed as he said, "I'll take you out to lunch, or we can go to the rodeo, or go-cart racing. Hell, anything you want!"

John Ross hurried her out of the office and into the elevator as quickly as he could. But just as the door was closing, a voice said "Hold it!" and stuck his hand in. It was Nicholas Trevino and he got into the elevator with them.

"Mrs. Ewing," he smiled, as he took Pamela's hand. "What a pleasure it is to see you here at Ewing Global again. I hope this means you're coming back to us?"

"Uh..."

"My wife will let us know when she's made a decision." John Ross put him down right away and changed the subject to get him off Pamela. But he kept coming back to her.

"Mrs. Ewing, Pamela, I remember our dance at Southfork, the two step. I enjoyed that so much. I wish we could go out sometime and do it again." He said, dripping with charm.

John Ross remembered he hadn't liked that dance. "Hey, is that what you do down in Mexico? You invite another man's wife out dancing?"

"Certainly not. How rude of me. Obviously I was inviting both of you. As I recall you're a very good dancer too."

"When exactly have u seen me dance?" John issued a thin smile to acknowledge the compliment.

"All the time you are dancing." Nick said, enigmatically.

"Oh, is that what you call that two-step you did to me to convince me to put up my company for an IPO?"

"Exactly." Nicholas gloated.

"Well you needn't feel so smug about it," he said, "Because it didn't work exactly how you planned, did it?"

"Well, it still could," he said, looking at Pamela as if she were a favorite desert.

John Ross had had enough. He was violently angry and it wasn't just jealousy. He smelled the blood in the water and he did not intend to let anyone use his wife as prey.

"Well, you have to excuse us now," he said, in the parking lot. "I'm taking my wife out on the town. Three would be too many."

"Quite a shark that man," John Ross said, as they got in the car. "But I suppose you ladies find him charming."

"He's pretty smooth, but I can see through him," Pamela said, looking at him.

"Can you?" He wondered. How was he going to warn her? How to protect her? The noose just kept getting tighter. From that guy's behavior he would bet a monkey's uncle they were just about to spring the trap. He had to keep Pamela away from that guy by any means necessary.

The very next day something else happened that convinced John Ross he had to take drastic measures.

He came home a little early, to spend time with Pamela. He parked the car and walked by the pool on his way in, just in case she was there. He looked over the hedges and stopped in his tracks.

"Oh, that feels so good. Don't stop, don't stop. You've got magic fingers, Emma."

Pamela lay face down on a towel while Emma gave her a backrub. The look on Emma's face is what arrested him. She was smiling like a cat about to pounce on the canary.

"Emma you're amazing." Pamela continued to praise her.

Now John Ross saw something in Emma's face he couldn't quite identify. It was some kind of ecstasy. She was moving Pamela's hair back with great care and she bent down to smell it.

He walked in at that moment and sat down right next to them and never moved from that spot. When Emma left for the stables a little later though, he told Pamela he was going to change clothes and followed her.

"Careful now," he told himself, "you don't want to antagonize her."

Emma was brushing her mare's hair. "What do you want, John Ross?"

"I want to know what your intentions are towards my wife," he answered her truthfully.

She scoffed, "Why?"

"Because I want to know if you plan to hurt her."

"Not if you don't make me," she said.

He inhaled first, to calm himself. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He asked.

"Leave us alone, don't interfere."

He went very still, "Don't interfere in what?"

"In our relationship."

"Which is?"

"Still to be defined," she said, smiling.

"Are you crazy? What are you hoping for? Look, Pamela and I are happily married," he said.

"Ha! That's a joke." she issued a hysterical laugh.

"It's not a joke to me, and I will defend our marriage with every breath of my body. I am not the same John Ross of six months ago. That night, that horrific night changed my...perspective."

She reeled on him now, showing her true colors. "Well you're not the only one. You think I don't think about it? That I don't fantasize every day about what we did together?"

"Are you insane, girl? That was a suicide attempt! How can you fantasize about that? She was trying TO KILL HERSELF! Pamela's NOT a lesbian!"

"We'll see." She shrugged.

Again, he took a breath, "What will we see?"

"Who she chooses."

He turned around and walked away.  
Emma was a clear threat. She was obsessed with Pamela. And she could not be reasoned with. If she did not get her way she would do damage.

There was clear and present danger to Pamela from several directions. He had to get her out of here. On the way back to the house he called to get a private charter plane.

While John Ross was in the shower Pamela had gotten a dinner tray for them from the kitchen. "Oh good, darling, cause you and I have got to talk."

Sitting across the small dinner table from her reached for her hand, "Pamela, do you trust me?"

"Yes, I do, John Ross."

"Would you come away with me if I ask you to?"

This time she had to think a little. "Yes."

"Without telling anyone where we're going? I mean it, not anyone."

"I'll come." She played with his fingers. "But are u sure you can leave?"

"If it's for your protection, I can. I can't explain everything right now. But I'll try to on the plane."

She started packing right after dinner while he went to talk to his uncle Bobby.

Pamela wasn't stupid, she knew, she sensed things. She knew what she couldn't remember had to do with John Ross. It was the only thing that could make her want to take her life. But she had to be patient, to wait for him to let it out. She was judging him now by his present actions, by the love and concern he was showing her. The truth could come later. She knew, from her own past actions, what it was like to be boxed in by your own lies, to want to come clean but not to be able to. She could see his insecurity without his telling her. He was terrified once she knew, she would leave him. He really didn't understand how much she loved him.

John Ross laid it all out for uncle Bobby, the corporate intrigue Nicholas was engaged in, the imminent danger to Pamela, the fact that Ewing Global was hanging by a thread. "That's the only thing I can think of to do, Uncle Bobby, is to take her out of here and let you and Christopher fight to get control of things in the company again. I'm leaving you my power of attorney."

"For how long?"

"Indefinitely. Pamela's got to come first. I've got a lot of straightening out to do."

The last thing Bobby said to him was, "John Ross, even though this royal mess is partly your fault, it takes a real man to put his family above everything else and fight for it. I think you're doing the right thing."

"There's one more thing, Uncle Bobby, and I can't say this in front of aunt Annie but you need to know it. Emma is crazy and she's dangerous. She's obsessed with Pamela."

"Obsessed how?"

"She wants her for herself."

"What?" Bobby looked like he'd never heard anything so …unusual.

"She thinks she's in love with her. Pamela's always been kind to her and she's misinterpreted that. You know that coming from the family she comes from she's messed up in the head. She's looking for love in all the wrong places. Anyway, she's unstable. And she's made threats. I can't take any chances with Pamela's sanity. That's another reason I got to get Pamela out of here. I think leaving Dallas is our only salvation."

The flight was scheduled for seven in the morning. He wanted to get Pamela out of the house before everyone was up. Unfortunately, Emma had stayed the night again. It would have aroused her suspicions for Bobby to have asked her to leave. He had been about to do it when he'd stopped him.

John Ross was up and dressed by five am. He put the suitcases in the car quietly, while it was still dark. He looked at his watch and then at his sleeping wife. All he was waiting for was five more minutes to wake her up. 


	7. Season 1, Episode 7 - Haywire

John Ross and Pamela, Season 1, Episode 7 – Haywire

It would have made more sense to have a cab take them to the airport than to take John Ross's car and leave it there. But John Ross didn't want any commotion at Southfork. He wanted them to slip away quietly.

And they did. They boarded the charter plane at 7a.m. and took off.

"Can I know now where we're going?" Pamela asked John Ross.

"First to San Juan, then to St. Kits on another charter."

"Why another charter?"

"Because I'm trying to throw anybody who comes looking off our trail."

"Who would come looking for us?" she asked.

He hesitated to tell her, either about Emma or Trevino. "It's complicated, Pamela."

"Are you being blackmailed, John Ross?"

"Not exactly."

"You said you would try to tell me the truth. Try."

He chose the lesser of two evils. "Nicholas Trevino thinks he can turn you against me. Against the Ewings. He has incriminating evidence of something…something I did. I'm very afraid you're not ready to hear it. That it could send you back to the hospital. I…I'm taking you away to protect you, Pamela. You've gotta believe me." His eyes implored.

He added one last thing, "I'd tell you myself if I thought you could take it. I'm not afraid for myself." That was a complete lie. He was very afraid for himself. "I'm sick of lies. I'm only afraid for your sanity. I don't want to hurt you anymore, baby."

Pamela didn't move. She didn't do anything. She just sat there and mulled it over for an hour. She was trying to gauge how she felt, whether she could take any more. Whether she could handle the truth, the whole truth.

She looked at him, sitting across from her, looking out the window, trying to pretend he was calm. His clenched fists told her he was anything but calm, he was terrified. She remembered that white knuckle fear, the one where you just wanted to burst and tell the damn truth, if only the person on the receiving end would forgive you. If only they didn't stop loving you. He looked like he could explode from the pressure. She had to let him relieve that pressure. It didn't matter how scared she was. Her love for him was strong. It could get her through. She took a deep, deep breath and gripped the arms of her seat.

"Did you cheat on me John Ross?"

He inhaled deeply, tears came into his eyes, and he took some time to be able to get out the words. "I'm very sorry that I did. It meant nothing, I was just trying to get a deal going." He looked her straight in the eye, "I'm so sorry that I hurt you, baby."

She sat there, oddly disembodied, thinking about the thing. Was this the thing she was so afraid of? It didn't feel like it. It was bad, but she could tell he was sorry. She could forgive him.

Pamela had retreated again into quiet. John Ross breathed a sigh of relief that she had not dissolved into a rage. But he was still in a perpetual state of alert. Anything could happen. That Doc had made him believe she was so fragile. But he knew his Pamela was a strong woman. That's what he admired about his wife. Beneath that fragile beauty was a person who had recovered from serious blows and who did not give up.

Except for that one time, that is. That one horrible time. Perhaps all this meditative silence meant she was plotting to do it again.

Yeah, speaking of the Doc, he would be spitting mad when he found out John Ross had taken Pamela out of the country without so much as a "by your leave." He was glad he wouldn't be around to get an earful of that. But he hoped he didn't live to regret it either.

They changed planes in San Juan and landed in the afternoon on the little island of Nevis, and then it's sister island, St. Kitts. The hotel shuttle left them in front of the beautiful five star hotel they had spent their honeymoon in.

It had been an active week when they had been here before, and the hostess was aggressive in trying to get them to sign up for activities once again. John Ross thought Pamela would not be in the mood, but she surprised him by agreeing to kayaking and scuba lessons and beach volleyball.

For the next few days they looked to any outsiders like they were having a second honeymoon.

"What about dinner, darling?" John Ross asked, trying to pick one of the hotel restaurants.

"Why don't we go into town, when we did the sightseeing tour we saw a little place I'd like to try. "

"What was it called?"

"Mama Joy." She smiled.

"Mama Joy! Well, alright darling. I'll try anything once." Especially if she looked at him like that, all fresh and lovely in her tie die halter dress.

When they entered the wooden house painted in bright parrot colors they received a warm greeting from a large black woman who must have been Mama Joy herself. "How y'all doing on this fine evening? Come and sit where u can see the sunset."  
She said.

"Thank you," Pamela answered the maternal greeting with equal warmth.

"What will you be having? Do you know creole food?"

"Not too much, can you explain it a little?"

"Everything is very fresh. Full of herbs and spices I grow right out back there in my own garden."

"Awesome."

"Today we have the jerk chicken I recommend for you, the squash soup..." she went on to rattle off a long list of delicacies, all of which sounded good to Pamela. John Ross was simply fascinated by her enthusiasm. Pamela had not been eating much, her appetite seemed to become as subdued as her mood did sometimes.

She had not yet commented on his infidelity. It had been almost a week. He was learning the patience of Job, but sometimes he felt all twisted up inside.

Once Pamela selected her food the woman turned to him. "And you, dear?"

"Oh, I don't know. What was all that again?" he joked.

"Ah, you're a funny one," Mama Joy joked with him.

"Yes. I'm kidding. I'll have what she's having, exactly."

"Of course you will. You will follow her to the ends of the earth, won't you?" she kidded again, not knowing how close to the mark she was.

John Ross broke out in a broad smile. "You've got my number there," he said.

"Just focus on that and you'll be alright," she said to him, and it was as if someone had walked on his grave. How could she know he needed to hear that right at that moment?

Pamela jumped in to what she thought was a game. "But how can he do that, when I don't know where I'm going?" she asked.

"This man has the patience of Job," she said, as John Ross caught his breath.

"Let me get to your food," she said. "So you can get the party started."

They both had grins on their faces when she left. They felt completely at home. The fruit juices were fresh and light when they arrived. The dip for the chips had them fighting each other for the last bite.

"You owe me, John Ross. Don't you dare touch that last bite."

"Ah ha! Now it comes out," he said. "Now you're going to charge me." He relinquished the salsa dip and got serious for one second. "How can you charge me so little?" He said.

"Because I love you," she said, being serious for a moment also.

He took a deep breath and looked straight in her eyes. "You should hate me," he whispered.

"I know what it's like to make mistakes and to really regret them."

"Can I ask…," he tried to be cautious. "You don't really remember finding it out, do you?"

"No, I don't," she answered.

"When you do, you may not want to stay with me, Pamie. I want you to know I'll understand it if you don't. I just want to get you through to the other side. I want you to be alright."

"I know you do, John Ross." She put her hand on his. "I'm thinking we should trust our love for each other."

Their food came and they ate in peace. John Ross was so happy he was cracking jokes. And she was happy to laugh at every one of them. The food, according to John Ross, was so good it was a nearly orgasmic experience. When Mama Joy came by again to check on them and see how they liked her food they both broke out laughing because they couldn't tell her exactly how good it was.

"Ah, I see it made you happy. That is the best reason for cooking."

"I wish I could cook food like this," Pamela said. "I think it would be awesome."

"Using your hands is always a blessing. It has a healing power."

"Oh?"

"Yes, it's true, dear. It soothes the spirit."

Pamela seemed to think on this. "Would you… Would it be too much to ask, would you teach me how to cook? I would be willing to pay for classes."

"Darling, you don't have to pay me. I'll teach you anytime. Just come in the mornings."

At that moment some folks arrived and started gathering at the biggest table in the back corner. They seemed more informal than the rest of the guests, which were thinning out. Mama Joy had hugs for all of them. She called Pamela and John Ross over and introduced her tall son, Godwin and his wife Lotta and baby.

Pamela's eyes were riveted on the boy, a smiling chocolate baby. "Who's this, huh? Who's this?" she asked, pinching the baby's toe.

The child went into a fit of chuckles.

Everyone cracked up in surprise. When Pamela repeated her action, she got the same reaction. And again and again until Pamela was the one now holding the baby and he was touching her lips and nose and hair.

John Ross started taking pictures of the two and of the group and of Pamela and the baby and Mama Joy together. He had to do something to keep busy otherwise he would have just stared. She was dazzling and full of joy in that moment. He worshipped at her feet.

They stayed with the family a long time and went home close to midnight. As they got into their room Pamela said, "I want to see those pictures you took. Can I have your phone?"

"Sure thing."

They lay on the bed looking at all the pictures and laughing, both of them surprised they had found such warmth in so little time among Mama Joy's special family.

"It was a grand night," Pamela said.

"Were those people real?" John Ross asked. "It's hard to believe they were real. I mean, we're total strangers and they just took us in. Just like that."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Pamela answered, looking at John Ross. It was like they had found a vision of what they wanted in their life, love that was pure, simple and true.

Their eyes locked and after a moment Pamela leaned over and began kissing him. He responded, but only with his lips, letting her take the lead. As things got more heated and it was clear where they were headed he asked, "Darling, are you sure you want this?"

"Uh-hum," she answered.

He still made no move to bring her beneath him, letting all of it happen on her terms. He touched her only lightly on the arms and hands and face. When they climaxed it was an explosion of feeling for both of them and he thought it was the perfect ending to the perfect night.

But he was wrong. Not long after, Pamela started to breathe deeply, in gasps. She started panicking, saying the words, "No, no, no."

Before long she was raging, saying, "Don't touch me, I don't want you to touch me. Oh, I feel so awful. I want to vomit."

She got up and ran to the bathroom and did just that, retching and purging like a bulimic. John Ross was horrified and unsure of what to do. If he had not seen her in a rage before he would have taken it personal, that his lovemaking could make her feel so bad. But he knew there was something more going on, that made her go haywire like this.

He called the hotel desk and asked for a house doctor. Half an hour later, a physician showed up to see Pamela pacing in circles and talking to herself. He gave her a sedative and referred John Ross to a psychiatrist for the next day.

As he cradled his sleeping wife in his arms John Ross slowly let go of all the tears he had pent up in his heart. Clearly, Pamela was deeply torn between loving him and hating him. He wondered what would win out in the end. He was a man in purgatory, who had no knowledge of his own end, whether it would be heaven or hell.


	8. Season 1, Episode 8 - Revelations

John Ross and Pamela, S1 E8 – Revelations

John Ross drank another sip of coffee and looked at a sleeping Pamela. The sedative she'd been given caused her to sleep thru the morning. But now he had to wake her. The psychiatrist's office had given her an appointment for one o'clock.

He prepared himself for the worst. He sat on the side of the bed and took her hand, rubbing it gently. "Baby."

Pamela opened her eyes.

"Pamela, honey. Can you get dressed? I made an appointment for you to see a psychiatrist."

"Uh-uh. No. No more psychiatrist." She sat up hastily.

"Please, baby. We need help."

She looked at him. "I'm afraid. I'm afraid of everything now."

"Baby, I'm going with you. I promise to never leave your side."

They got to the doctor's office, and even the fifteen minutes in the waiting room seemed like an eternity. Pamela wouldn't let go of his arm.

Pamela had refused to eat anything, saying, "I'll get something later at Mama's." John Ross took note of the fact that she was willing to eat Mama's food, while the hotel food didn't appeal to her. Maybe he could start sending out for food from there. He had no doubt as to the healing effects of Mama's food. Perhaps it even had aphrodisiac effects. Flashes of last night's sweet moments kept resurfacing for him. He used them to calm his nerves.

A thirty-something woman came out of her office to greet them. "Hello, I'm Dr. Emanuele. You can call me Gina, if you like. I've cleared my afternoon for you. Come right in."

They sat on a couch across from the doctor. Pamela held his hand very tightly and wouldn't talk. In fact, she didn't make a lot of eye contact with the doctor.

John Ross took the lead. "My wife, as far as I can understand, is very afraid. She suffered a serious panic attack last night—"

"What was happening at the moment she suffered the attack, what triggered it?"

Again, Pamela volunteered nothing, so he had to go forward. "We had just made love."

"Anything unusual in that?" the doctor probed.

"It was the first time we'd been able to. You see, my wife suffered a breakdown…" he swallowed hard, "after an attempted suicide…she's was in an institution, a psychiatric clinic for three months and has been out for about a month.

"And her doctor let her travel like this?"

John Ross was beginning to feel the magnitude of his ill advised removal of Pamela from her psychiatrist's care. "No. He…he didn't. We…I didn't ask him. I…we just thought we had to escape…from the pressures back home. Dr. Macnamara wouldn't have agreed—"

At that moment Pamela got up abruptly, and started pacing the office, saying "Ahhh…No, no, no. I don't want to go there. I can't take this." She repeated these expressions over and over, getting more agitated by the moment.

The doctor immediately got up and went to her. "Pamela, are you feeling scared right now? Tell me."

"Yes, yes, yes."

John Ross intervened, "She can't handle the whole thing about the suicide, Doc. Only under hypnosis. That's what the Doc was doing with her. Hypnosis."

"J-John Ross. Where are you?"

"I'm here baby. I'm right here."

"Pamela, listen to me," the doctor took one of her hands and walked with her. "Listen to the sound of my voice. I'm going to count backwards from 5, and then you're going to relax. Okay?" she looked at John Ross, on the other side of her and said, "Be ready to catch her. Now, Pamela. Five…four…three…two…one."

Pamela collapsed like a rag doll in his arms.

"Put her on the couch here, next to you. Let's talk to her, see what's causing such fear."

"I can tell you what she's afraid of." He said, the sadness squeezing his heart. "Me."

"Pamela. Tell me what you feel." The doctor went directly to the point.

"Don't let him come in here," she said, and John Ross flinched.

"Allright, we can send John Ross out. Is that what you want?"

"No, I want John Ross to stay."

"Okay, he's right next to you. He can hold your hand if you want him to," she motioned for him to do so.

"Now, Pamela. Tell us who you don't want to come in."

"The do—the do—the doctor."

"What doctor?"

"Do—do—he wants me to call him Stan."

"Is this Doctor Stan Macnamara?" She scribbled quick notes.

"Yes"

"Are you afraid of him?"

"Yes."

"Pamela. You won't feel any fear now, of Dr. Macnamara. But tell us why you don't want him in here."

"Because he makes me do things I don't want to do."

"What things? Can you tell me what?"

Her voice shrunk into a wail. "He makes me have sex with him."

John Ross received a jolt so strong he jumped up from the couch. He grabbed his chest with one hand and held onto the doctor's desk with the other. He thought he would pass out.

"Calm yourself," the doctor whispered. "I know this is hard, but you have to."

She went back to questioning Pamela, taking note of the details of the doctor's sexual abuse. The graphic descriptions nearly caused John Ross to retch. Finally, the doctor said. "Pamela, you will never have to go back to Dr. Macnamara again. He will not come near you. You don't have to be afraid of him anymore. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Now, listen to me. You are going to come out of the hypnosis now, when I count backwards from five you will not remember what we talked about, but you will feel at peace. You are just going to sleep for a while, okay? And when you wake up you will feel refreshed."

She brought her back out. "Excuse me a moment, John Ross."

When she came back into the room she brought an assistant. "John Ross, Pipa is going to sit with Pamela while you and I go into the other office. Just slide her body down so she can sleep comfortably. There. Follow me now."

After one last look at his wife, John Ross followed the doctor out into a smaller, more personal office.

He sat on the chair and proceeded to cry his eyes out. The doctor didn't interfere. She gave him a box of tissues at some point and slowly he got himself under control.

"How do you feel?" she asked quietly.

"Like I could kill that doctor with my bare hands," he said.

"That's understandable. It is a crime and a severe breach of medical ethics. We can talk about what needs to be done there. But first, let's talk about you and Pamela."

He was still rubbing his eyes from time to time. The tears just wouldn't stop coming. "Pamela can never know," he said.

"On the contrary, she has to know. Her unconscious mind already knows."

"Doc. After all that she's suffered, this will be the straw that breaks the camel's back."

"John Ross, whatever she has suffered, her mind has found a way to cope. She is still here. That shows she is a strong person. It may be necessary to keep certain things from her and reveal them gradually."

"So, what do I tell her?"

"The truth, as much as possible."

"But Doc…that other son of a bitch doctor said she was too frail to handle the truth. The stuff that caused her to attempt suicide. It was me. My cheating on her.

That's the reason she was under his care, because she took a bunch of pills when she found out I'd cheated on her with her best friend. It's my fault all this has happened to her."

The doctor was thoughtful. "John Ross, I have to tell you that surprises me very much. You seem very much in love with Pamela. What caused you to cheat on her?"

He looked at a loss for words. "I…I've been sleeping around with every piece…every woman in my path, since a young age. It just…just didn't mean anything to me. None of those women ever meant anything to me."

"But Pamela is different."

"Pamela is the love of my life."

"Then why would you risk that? People don't usually risk what's important to them unless they're addicts."

"Well, there you go then. I'm a sex addict."

"Well, that's not so clear. We'll have to explore that too. That will be part of the course of treatment if you want a healthy marriage."

John Ross laughed, sarcastically. "Doc. I'm not looking to get a damn thing out of this for myself. I deserve to rot in the blackest hell for what I've done to that woman out there. I just want her to have a clean slate, so that she can walk away from me and never look back."

The doctor considered this, then said, "John Ross. Apparently, for Pamela, you're not just part of the problem. You're part of the solution too. Happiness, the happiness you want for her, may only exist if you're part of her life. She seems to depend on you."

"Yeah, but that's a false security. Because the moment she remembers what really went down, she's gonna hate me."

"Well, that's a risk we'll have to take. You must have been willing to risk it, otherwise you wouldn't have brought her here."

"Oh, yeah. And I've told her that myself."

"So she knows some of this already?"

"I told her a week ago that I had cheated on her and that's why she tried to commit suicide."

"What was her reaction?"

"She said," he sniffled, "after a week of thinking about it, she told me she could forgive me. Because she loved me." He squeezed the bridge of his nose, to staunch the flow of tears..

"I see, so last night, was a sort of reconciliation." The doctor said, piecing things together.

"To which she had a violent reaction." He added.

"But wait, John Ross, let's not jump to conclusions. I suspect there are more pieces to this puzzle. Listen, I want to help you both. To help Pamela face the trauma and you to understand what drives you to self-destructive behavior."

When they left Dr. Gina's, Pamela wanted to go straight for Mama's place and he didn't protest. He needed to distract her, so she wouldn't ask him questions. Because even though the doctor had advised him to let Pamela know the truth if she asked for it, he didn't know how little or how much he could spill at once. The truth felt like a live grenade in his hand.

Mama Joy was warm and funny, "Well, now. Look at what the cat dragged in again. You didn't get enough of my cooking last night?"

"No, never." Pamela laughed.

"And you, Mr. John Ross."

"I told you, Mama. I follow her," he faked his smile.

Pamela went to the lady's room. Mama said to him, as she prepared their drinks. "You can use a little rum in your juice, can't you?"

"Yes, a very stiff shot."

"Ah-hum. Has the Devil got you sore?"

"I'm presently trying to keep the Devil from drowning me." He said, and he thought he was being sufficiently cryptic.

But it seemed that was exactly the kind of language Mama Joy understood. "Well I got a better cure for that."

"Tell me what it is."

"Redemption work," she said.

At that moment Pamela came back and they both sat at the counter eating two platefuls served up fresh. He didn't get a chance to ask Mama what she meant by "redemption work."

Pamela, who seemed a whole lot lighter than this morning, got to get into the kitchen and chop some herbs and vegetables according to Mama's instructions.

John Ross sat on the steps of the back porch, trying to grapple with what he had learned that morning. Mama Joy came out and as he got up to let her through she said, "Follow me, dear."

"Me?"

"Yes. I'm going to show you something."

She led him back in the yard and stopped in front of a fallow bed. She picked up a shovel stuck in the ground and handed it to him. "Here, turn that ground. And while you do, ask for it."

"For what?" he said.

"For redemption." She patted him on the back. "That's right, ask for it. It'll come. I promise you."

He started then, digging the bed from left to right and back again. He took off his shirt after a while and applied himself, with all the anger and despair that were dogging his mind. How could he ever redeem himself? He could kill the man with his bare hands but it would not erase the fact that it was his fault that she had fallen prey to him in the first place. He stomped that spade into the ground with a savage force, and ripped the spadefuls of earth from the ground to turn them over and pound them back into it. He chopped the clods with the sharp edge and looked at the sky. But he could not ask for it. He was unworthy. He hated himself.

Late at night, when Pamela had fallen asleep, he took his cell phone out on the terrace, to a place where he couldn't be heard. He called his cousin Christopher.

"Hello?"

"Christopher."

"John Ross, what's going on? People are asking about you guys. Pamela's doctor's office is driving Aunt Annie crazy."

"Christopher." John Ross tried again.

"What's the matter? Is everything alright? John Ross talk to me, man."

"It's Pamela."

"What's the matter with Pamela?"

"It's a long, long story." John Ross rubbed his forehead.

"Well, spit it out. I'm here for you, man."

"You can't tell a living soul. Not yet. We're getting the law involved."

This time Christopher didn't interrupt. He just listened. John Ross told him the whole truth, but without embellishment.

"No, man. No. It can't be true. She's been through so much already," Christopher said.

"It's true, man. And it's all my fault for letting that guy near her in the first place."

"You couldn't have known John Ross. It's not your fault. How can you say that?"

When he didn't get an answer he asked, "I'm afraid to ask, man. How's Pamela?"

"She doesn't know. It all came out under hypnosis."

"Oh my God. So you can't tell her? That must be very hard."

"Why do you think I'm calling you? I needed someone to talk to, I'm ready to bust. I want to kill the son of a bitch so bad."

"I got your back, cousin. We'll get him. What do you want me to do?"

"Well, right now the Doc here is reporting him to the psychiatric board in the United States. I don't know what kind of investigation they do. But maybe we can do our own investigation. Quiet like, on the side. Get Bum to start digging."

"All right, I'll do that. Stay strong, John Ross."

John Ross hung up the phone and he looked at the sky, at the stars. He contemplated them a long time but he still couldn't ask for redemption.


	9. Season 1, Episode 9 - Redemption Work

John Ross and Pamela, Season 1, Episode 9 – Redemption Work

John Ross turned over in the bed. "Where you going? It's seven in the morning," he said in a groggy voice.

Shirtless, he presented an enticing picture to an already dressed Pamela.

"I'm off to my cooking lesson," she answered.

"What about me?" he asked.

"You can come there when you get up."

"I have an appointment at ten with Gina." He said.

"By yourself?" she asked.

"Yeah, she's trying to straighten me out." He joked.

"Are you sure you're not talking about me? Because if you are I want to be there."

"No. This is just for me, and about me. We can talk about you in your sessions." He got up from the bed to pull her into his arms. "Where's my goodbye kiss?"

She kissed him and then said, "Mama Joy's waiting for me." She didn't pull out of his arms. Only her words expressed her hesitation to abandon herself to his touch. They had, by unspoken agreement, decided to leave their sexual life aside, but it was hard not to get carried away sometimes. John Ross was so downright…magnetic.

"Oh," he said. "Well go on then. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too."

John Ross got back in bed and put his hands behind his head. Life had taken on sort of a rhythm, between cooking lessons and sessions with the psychiatrist. He had contacted a realtor and scouted some furnished houses for rent closer to the village center. It looked like they would be here for a while.

He felt good, like they were making some progress. Pamela was stable, even though she didn't have much memory yet. Gina had not tried to deconstruct the wall that Doc. M. had set up. She said she wanted to understand more about Pamela. And so they worked in the conscious realm, talking about things, instead of under hypnosis.

He couldn't think about that doc by his name. He thought of him as Doc Rapist and Doc Monster. Doc Psychopath. His name brought about an eruption of anger within John Ross. At everything that had happened, but mostly, at himself. In order to deal with that, his "redemption work" had become another part of the rhythm of life. He was sure to need some of Mama Joy's redemption work after today's session with Gina.

Gina went straight to the point. "Why do you like sleeping around so much?"

"Well, to tell you the truth, I don't really like it all that much."

"Why?"

"I…I don't admire these women. I think I despise them, actually. 'Cause they don't seem to be very moral."

"So you only sleep with immoral women? What does that make you?"

"Well I'm under no illusions about the fact that I'm a scoundrel, the most despicable of the creatures that slithers on the earth."

"So, it's not that you're looking down on these women?"

"No. I'm just saying, that if I thought they cared, or that I was hurting them, I wouldn't do it. I mean, I don't like hurting people."

"Ok. So what you're saying is that you don't get anything out of it."

"Yeah. I see it for what it is. Just sex. I have no illusions about it."

"So, can you live without it? Could you walk away?"

"In a heartbeat."

She seemed at a loss, but she was writing little notes in her book. He would have loved to know what they were.

"So, listen to what you're saying. You don't enjoy it. You don't like these particular women. Why do you think it's necessary for you to sleep around like you do?"

"Well, maybe they have something I need."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe they have power over awarding a contract, or they have transportation resources I need, or I need a little dirt so I can leverage somebody."

"So, it's part of the way you do business."

"Yeah. It's just business."

"Do you think Pamela understood it like that?"

He took a long pull of air, "Well, I never intended for her to find out. But, the truth is, in my twisted way of thinking, because it meant nothing to me, I thought it meant nothing to her."

"But it didn't turn out like that."

"It was only after I saw how it hurt her that I understood the havoc I had wreaked." He had a lump in his throat. It was impossible to talk. The Doc let him work through the emotion.

"So expand on it a little. How does it work. This sex for business."

"Usually it goes along with some kind of blackmail. Either they're blackmailing me or I blackmail them."

"Interesting. Give me an example."

"So my cousin needed the city transit authority to agree to fuel all the city buses with methane. He gets all the work done, had it all sewn up except that at the last moment the woman who had the power to move the deal his way wanted a little something on the side. So I was sent in to "charm the pants off her," which usually means sexing them up."

"You say you were sent in. Who sent you in?"

"My uncle Bobby, I guess."

"And why didn't your cousin Christopher do that job?"

"Well, because Christopher's not that kind of guy, who does this sort of thing. He's too moral."

"So you were pimped out by your family to go get the company this contract."

John Ross was silent, reflecting on it. "Nobody makes me do these things."

"Then why do you do them?"

"Because the deal is important."

"To whom?"

"To the Company. To me."

"Making the deal is what's important to you."

"I thought it was."

"Is there something more important to you now?"

"She is."

"So, was there a price to living that way?"

He wiped his teary eyes. "I'm thinking now, that price was too high."

She handed him the box of tissues.

"Well maybe you could meditate on why you were willing to pay such a high price. Why do you measure yourself by "the making of the deal" as you put it. And we'll work on that next time."

He went straight for the restaurant. He looked at Pamela, breezy and beautiful in an apron. She was fully part of the hustle and buzz of the noon day business.

"Hi!" She kissed him on the way to delivering food to a waiting table.

He shouldn't have come. He didn't want to bring her down with his mood.

He turned to go and bumped into Mama. "John Ross. Aren't you going to have a plate of food?"

"Later, maybe."

"I see."

He just stood in front of her. Not wanting to look in her eyes. She saw too much.

"Dear, can you do a little job for me?"

"Sure," he shrugged.

"There's some rocks I need cleared, to make another garden bed. Just pile them up around the edges so I can make a garden bed in the middle. I want to put in some okra."

"Uh-hum. Will do."

He worked all afternoon, under the blazing hot sun. Literally digging and ripping rocks out of the soil. Dragging them to the edges of the hard field.

It was punishing work. But it wasn't punishing enough for him. He thought about his session that morning. It turns out John Ross Ewing was a whore. Nothing but a whore. He had so little self respect he would sell his soul, or his sexual favors, for a handful of coins. It didn't matter how many zeros there were to the deal, he was willing to whore his body out to make it happen. "Ha! John Ross, you're nothing but a two bit whore."

It was more difficult to accept that his family "pimped him out." He was loath to share his guilt with others, but a niggling sense of doubt crept in. Because he was JR's son had there always been a sort of expectation on him? That he would do anything to seal the deal? Hadn't it always been sort of understood that the son of the black sheep had certain responsibilities to continue the shenanigans, whenever the shenanigans were needed?

Although the family always pretended they were half good, half bad, weren't they all pretty much the same? Look at how Uncle Bobby had framed Cliff Barnes, how he had pushed John Ross to marry Pamela for her shares in Ewing Global. Those were not the actions of an angel.

There was no moral high ground in their family. There was only the family and the company. For all their talk about protecting the family, they were just protecting the company, the conglomerate that had started as Ewing Oil and had then gone through many evolutions. The members of the family were all pawns in a high stakes game of chess. While he had thought himself a major player in that game he was also being used.

They were all corrupt. They were probably the most dysfunctional family in Dallas.

"Hello, there."

John Ross looked up to see Godwin smiling at him and offering him a jug of water. "Mama sent me down with this."

"Thank you. What you smiling at, man."

"So she sent you to break rocks," he laughed. "The Devil must really be dogging you, man."

"Hey, what do you know about this "redemption work?"

"I've done it a couple of times myself. What you want to know?"

"How does it work?"

"It's a time to meditate on what ails ya, you know? While at the same time trying to forgive yourself by punishing your body."

"What if it doesn't work?"

"No chance, man. Then Mama just find you harder work to do. More disgusting. More humbling."

"I see."

He didn't. He was wrestling with demons that could not be conquered. Hatred. Self hatred. Anger. Loathing. Fear. Great fear, that she would leave him when this was all done.

"But listen, man. Lighten up. Have a little fun. We've got a beach party tomorrow, man. The cousins and all. You and Pamela come out. Play some beach ball."

"Oh, that sounds good. We'll be there." That family was like a magnet, he and Pamela were both enamored of them, like moths to a flame.

That's why he was trying to get them a house near here. He'd seen one with the realtor yesterday that was only a few blocks away. It was a nice bungalow painted flamingo pink, with a back yard and an ocean view. It wasn't huge or anything, but he liked the cozy feel of it and he was going to surprise Pamela with it next week, when it was all clean.

He laughed at himself and at Mama Joy's technique. So that's why he had progressed from earth turning to rock clearing. She should put him to mucking out shit from the latrines. He needed more humbling.

That beach party came to rank in John Ross and Pamela's mind as the number one best family time either one of them had ever experienced. There were at least thirty people there, between babies and uncles and cousins and aunts. It didn't just last a few hours. It started in the morning and went way into the night with music around a bonfire.

"What was your favorite part?" Pamela asked him on the drive back to the hotel.

"The volleyball. Hands down, the volleyball."

"You mean the killer, two on two, Olympic matches you big guys played."

"Yeah. Those guys rocked. I swear, I would be a professional beach volleyball player if I could."

"Ha!"

"But I liked the other games, too. The ones where you played. You seemed to be enjoying that."

"I did, I did. But the highlight for me—"

"Was playing with the babies. I know. I saw you."

"Omygod! They're such happy babies."

"Uh-hum." He didn't know what more to say. Did she remember her own babies? He couldn't touch that subject.

He couldn't say either, "We could have a baby." Who could have a baby without having sex? It would have to be an immaculate conception. More to the point, how could they have a baby with the sword they had hanging over their heads?

At the hotel Pamela took her time getting ready for bed.

Brushing her teeth, she looked at herself in the mirror. She loved it here. She wished they could stay here forever.

But most of all she wished her husband would make love to her. Right now. She was so hot for him. But she knew he wouldn't try it for fear she would have another panic attack. He thought it was his fault, and it hurt him.

Today, watching him play volleyball like a Trojan had lit a fire in her. John Ross was all physical, all energy. She could believe what he said about wanting to be a professional athlete, because he had the drive and the killer instinct. He had the moves.

And those moves just made her melt.

It had been such a great day. And she felt so good, so happy. She wished she could understand herself. What made her so fearful of intimacy when she loved her husband to distraction? She was thinking of his hands on her all the time.

Why not risk it? She felt nothing bad could happen right now.

She came out of the bathroom determined to take matters into her own hands. But when she reached the bed she saw John Ross was asleep.

"Baby?" she shook him gently.

He was out like a light.


	10. Season 1, Episode 10 - Flamingo House

John Ross and Pamela - S1 E10 – Flamingo House

Pamela was on the lookout for John Ross when he came into Mama Joy's that morning. When she saw him, she went up to him, took his face and planted a kiss on his lips. John Ross swallowed hard, but outwardly, he didn't let it show, all that desire was under the surface.

"Umm, that was nice," he held her. "Listen baby, can you get away now? I have something I want to show you before we go to our appointment with Gina.

Pamela's heart skipped a beat. "Sure let's go."

He took her to the pink flamingo house, on the street with walled in gardens.

"John Ross, what is this, why do you have a key?"

"Allow me, Mrs. Ewing," he said, scooping her up in his arms and walking into the furnished grand living room.

He put her down, grabbed her hand and took her on a tour from the kitchen to dining room/living room, into the bedroom and out the double doors onto the terrace and the backyard, from which one could see the ocean down below.

"What is this place? It's beautiful."

"It's yours if you want it."

"For how long?" she asked.

"For as long as we're here."

She walked up to him and kissed him full on the mouth, "I want it." She walked back into the house, saying. "Let's go to the hotel and check out right now."

"Woah, we're late for our appointment. We can do that after. "

As he drove the car she said, "I can't wait to cook in my own kitchen. We need to get groceries on the way home."

"Wow, I didn't know my wife had such a domestic side."

"My mother would never let me near the kitchen when I was growing up. She thought it was beneath us. The maid did everything. I was always so envious of the kids who's moms cooked.

She listed the grocery items out loud as she noted them in her cell.

He looked at her profile and a warm feeling invaded him. "You did good John Ross, she's happy," he said to himself.

When she walked in to the doctor's office, the glow was still on her face and became the topic of conversation.

"Well Pamela, you look strong, you look happy," the Dr. said.

"I am," she said, "nothing can bring me down today."

"Do you feel strong enough to tackle some of the things you still don't know?"

Pamela involuntarily reached for John Ross' hand. "Sure," she said. "As long as it's not through hypnosis."

"Okay then, what shall we talk about first?"

John Ross volunteered, "Since you already know about my infidelity, how about we finish that topic."

"What do you mean?" Pamela asked.

"You've never asked who-"

"I don't want to know," she said abruptly.

John Ross tried again, "Pamela, for your protection I think it's important-"

"I don't ever want to know who you slept with or who you're going to sleep with, that's your problem," she replied, savagely.

John Ross was stunned by this Pamela. By her vehemence and her anger. Even her voice was gruff.

"Baby listen to me, I'm never going to cheat on you again, I promise you that."

"Don't make _me_ any promises," she said. "Make them to yourself."

John Ross looked like he was about to argue so Gina jumped in and said "Pamela is right, John Ross, you should do this because you want to do it, for you."

"I have to have someone to believe in me," he said. "Everyone is always telling me that I'm like my father. I need someone to believe I can be different."

A softer spoken Pamela now said "I believe in you. But I won't be your conscience. Be an honorable man because you want to."

He wasn't looking at her when he said, "Just don't stop loving me, baby."

She was also subdued when she answered, "I'll always love you. I'll love you no matter what."

After a long, but not awkward, pause, the doctor said, "So Pamela, what is it that you would like to know?"

She meditated. "I guess I would like to know why the panic attacks."

John Ross jumped up and started pacing. "Now I'm the one who's not sure if I want to go there."

"Why?" Pamela asked.

"Because it's bad, very bad," John Ross answered.

She looked at the doctor. "Brace yourself," the doctor said.

Pamela kept her eyes on her.

"Your doctor, your previous psychiatrist, took advantage of you."

"In what way?"

"In the worst possible way. He forced you to have sex with him."

Pamela just sat there. The impact of what she had heard was slow to penetrate. She looked at John Ross and the pain and distress she saw on his face was what cued her in.

Suddenly, she took in great gasps of air and then started to retch.

"John Ross, the wastebasket quick," the doctor pointed.

John Ross grabbed the basket and held her hair back, while she emptied all the contents of her stomach and more into the container.

When she finished she just sat on the floor. The doctor gave her water and tissues.

"What's being done about it," she asked.

"He's been reported. He's going to jail. He won't be able to hurt any more people," the doctor said.

She looked at John Ross. "Is that true?"

"I'm not sure, Christopher is following up on that," he said.

"Christopher?" She asked.

"I'm sorry Pamela. I needed someone to talk to. He's got your back. He promised to go after the guy. Well get him behind bars. I promise you, darling."

"What did he say?" She asked.

"He was destroyed. And very angry."

"Christopher cares about me." She said, in a little girl voice. "I don't know how, after what I did to him."

"He forgave you a long time ago, darling."

Now the doctor brought their attention back and explored their feelings about the revelation.

After a while, she said. "Well, I think that is enough for one day, don't you? I'll be seeing you in two days."

"Okay," they agreed.

"In the meantime, I want you to try not to talk about this one topic too much. Don't distress yourselves. We will talk about it little by little here, in my office."

Even though the revelations in the doctor's office cast a pall over their move into the flamingo house, John Ross was glad they had something to do to occupy them.

Pamela cooked in silence and they ate on the terrace, as the sun was setting.

"This is outstanding, darling. What kind of fish is this?"

"Grouper," she answered.

Pamela had retreated into the quiet zone, and John Ross was afraid to interfere with her reflection process.

He washed the dishes as she put away the leftovers. "Don't be surprised if they disappear in the middle of the night." He joked.

But it was Pamela who got up in the middle of the night to pace in her bare feet, out in the back yard.

He went out, the grass was cold with dew. "What you doing, looking at the stars?" He asked, very softly. He ignored her apparent despair as if it were a normal state. He didn't want to exacerbate it into a panic attack.

"How? How could I have let him?" She asked, in that little girl voice.

"Darling, you did nothing wrong. You hear me, nothing!"

"C'mere." he took her arm and led her. "Come sit on this hammock with me."

"Can u see those stars?" he pointed. "Way up there? Aren't they beautiful? Peaceful? Let yourself drift out there. Do it. I'm here."

It was a breathtaking, jeweled night, with the full complement of stars of a Caribbean sky. As Pamela let go of her anxiety, the tears started to come.

They lay in that hammock, her head on his chest. He held her as she wept, rubbing her back. When she finally exhausted the tears and the hiccup sighs and fell asleep, he picked her up in his arms and carried her back into the house.

Pamela slept in the next morning, and so did John Ross. They were not talkative when they got up but by quiet agreement decided to spend the day together. They rented a small dinghy with a motor and spent the day driving slowly in and out of the mangroves. The water was clear as glass and the sky deep blue and cloudless.

Communing long hours with nature in this way, they found a small measure of healing.

The next morning they had an early appointment with Gina. She asked how they were doing.

John Ross let Pamela take the lead. "Trying to find a way to cope."

"What have you done?" The doctor asked.

Pamela described all the recent changes in their lives; the house, the cooking, the boating, the family they'd become friends with.

"But this is wonderful!" she gushed. "Those are all very concrete steps. You are filling your lives with positive things that will support the changes you are trying to make."

"Now, I need to give you a referral, Pamela. To another physician, she's a friend of mine. She's very good. And I need you to see her right away."

"Why do I need another doctor?" Pamela asked.

"I've been holding off on this since our first session, Pamela. Because you were not ready, but really, we're running out of time. She's a gynecologist, my dear. And she'll take very good care of you."

Again, she spoke. "Pamela, you look blank." She said, very gently. "You need to be tested for STD's."

"And, I need you to think back. When did you have your period last?"

"I don't know. I can't remember. Not since I got out of the clinic..." She took in a great gasp of air.

"Now don't panic. It doesn't mean anything. We're just going to make sure. Do you understand?"

"But what do we do if-"

"We will process. We will explore your options. We will make decisions. But right now all we need you to do is to focus, to take a full battery of tests. Would you rather learn the results here with me so I can help you deal with them?"

"Yes, yes. I'm very afraid to know this."

"Okay, I understand, but I want you to think about it this way: 'I don't need to be worried about something that may not have happened. If and when I have proof that it has happened I will deal with it then.' Ok? How does that sound? Your appointment is for tomorrow."

They left her office and went directly to Mama Joy's. The last thing they wanted was to be alone with the terrible concept that Pamela could be carrying her rapist's child.

When they walked in and sat at a table Mama herself came to take their order.

"My, my. You two have been missed."

"Can I work today?" Pamela asked.

"Sure thing, dear. John Ross?"

"Think I'll go for a jog on the beach." He didn't feel fit to be around company. Not even at the bottom of the garden. He had a lot of thinking to do.

After lunch, when he saw Pamela was in good hands, he left. He had seen Mama say to Pamela, "Who needs a hug today?"

Pamela went into her arms and was squeezed tight. John Ross didn't know if she had ever confided their situation to Mama Joy or how much she knew. Either way, he was glad this woman had come into her lives.

But the jumble of guilt and anger he himself felt, he could not allow anyone to witness. Not even for the price of a much needed hug.

When John Ross got to the beach he took off, jogging past all the tourists and it was many miles later at a deserted beach that he stopped, out of breath. He now walked in circles, the same way his mind was moving.

Because of the time line his actions in Dallas had unleashed, the repercussions to Pamela's ordeal kept unfolding. Would it ever end? What if she was pregnant by that sadistic doctor? Would she have to face a possible abortion? How could she make that choice when she had already lost two babies?

Now he was angry at God. God was supposed to be just. How could an innocent person be made to pay for the sins of a scoundrel?

He whipped his shirt off and ran into the water, swimming out deeper and deeper with angry strokes. This would surely break her. "Dear God," he yelled at the sky, "put it on me. This is on me. Take it out of my hide, not hers."

That same moment a giant wave broke, right on top of his head. It tumbled him and dragged him under till he felt his head hit the rocks below. He had the fleeting thought that this was his answer. And he was okay with this punishment. Let his miserable life end.

Then he thought of her being left alone, to face the future, and suddenly he wanted his life, if only so that he may act as a shield for her, for whatever was to come.

He now swam up desperately, for the surface. When he made it he couldn't see land. He didn't know how far out he had swum in his fury. But he had to make it back to shore. He tried not to get clocked by another breaking wave and to body surf on its back instead. He made it to shore, so tired he barely managed to crawl out of the water before he collapsed.

The overriding thought in his mind now was that it didn't matter what happened about the pregnancy. He had no opinions. He would simply do what Pamela wanted. If she wanted to keep the child, he would raise it as his own.

He tasted blood on his lip and realized he had a gash on his forehead that was oozing blood down the side of his face. He got up and washed his wound and made his way back to the house He cleaned himself up before going to pick up Pamela. No one needed to know he had just had a near death experience that day. 


	11. Season 1, Episode 11 - Christopher

John Ross and Pamela S E 11 - Christopher

John Ross woke up to find Pamela had gone to the restaurant and that he had a voicemail from Cristopher that said, "Hey John Ross, I know you said not to talk to anybody about your being in St. Kitts, but Emma has been talking about how much she misses Pamela, so can I tell her where you guys are?"

Pacing around the patio, he dialed Christopher's number immediately. Manipulative little bitch. He'd have to tell Christopher the truth about Emma.

"What's going on John Ross?" the voice on the other end of the line asked.

"I've got stuff to tell you. But first off, I gotta say, watch out for Emma. Under no circumstances let her get anywhere near your phone or your computer."

"Hey man. What's that about?"

"Emma's obsessed with Pamela. As in, romantically obsessed. She's threatened some stuff. This was one of the reasons I had to take Pamela away from Dallas."

"For real?"

"Now, don't get into it with her. It's not worth it and it will only make her more dangerous."

"Wish you'd told me this before. It explains why she's been cozying up to me. It's been kind of weird."

"Yeah, well, she's got a purpose." John Ross finished. "Christopher, I gotta ask you, what's going on with the investigation of Doctor Macnamara?"

"Well, Bum looked into him, all the way back to his college days, trying to find dirt on him. He found nothing. So I went to the detective, remember the one that helped us with the Harris Ryland investigation? He says he's going to look into it, but he'd need an official affidavit from Pamela to stop this guy and get him arrested."

John Ross exploded. "No way, Pamela's not going anywhere near that psycho."

"She wouldn't have to-"

"No! The victim should not be responsible for bringing the criminal to justice! Up till last week we couldn't even talk to her about it, because she didn't know what had happened to her. And now that she does, she's dealing with worse stuff."

Christopher paused, cautious, "Like what?"

"Like, the possibility that she might be carrying his child."

"Christ!"

The fact he had a beautiful ocean view before him did nothing to assuage his angst. "And then, she might have to decide- To decide on an abortion. You should see what she's like around babies. It's like she's drawn to them like a magnet."

"And she needs to know about the babies she's lost. We might have to tell her...ah man... I can't do this alone Christopher, you're going to have to come. If we tell her about the twin babies, she's going to suffer that loss all over again. I can't watch her go through that."

When they hung up it was with the promise that Christopher would fly out the very next day. And that he would cover his tracks so no one could trace his itinerary. The Ewing boys weren't taking any chances. They were closing ranks and circling the wagons.

John Ross also specified, that Christopher would be silent on certain subjects, unless and until he was needed.

He now went to the restaurant to pick up Pamela so they could go to the to the St. Kitts hospital where the OB/GYN was on staff.

"You okay?" He asked as he drove her across the island.

"No."

"Hey. It's gonna be alright, I'm with you. All the way, Pammie."

She didn't say another word. The silent Pamela was the one that worried him.

"What did Mama Joy say?" he asked.

"Nothing. She doesn't know."

"Bet you could talk to her about it."

"Maybe, I will."

At the hospital, they met Dr. Anika, an Indian looking woman, originally from Trinidad.

"How do you do? Tell me what I can do for you?"

Pamela spoke, "We need you to do a...a pregnancy test, and...to tell us how long I've been pregnant. If I am pregnant, that is."

"Very well, let's start with the date of your last period."

"I can't say. I don't remember."

The doctor looked puzzled. But she did not pry.

"I see. That is not so unusual. When is the date of your last intercourse?"

"Two months ago."

"Do you have any children?"

"No."

"Have you ever been pregnant before?"

"No."

John Ross was very uncomfortable. When Dr. Anika sent Pamela out to an examining room he hastened to tell her, "My wife was pregnant before, with twins. She lost them. She doesn't know this. It's...suppressed."

He hastened to add, "If she is pregnant now, if it's older than two months it would be a result of rape."

"I see. Dr. Gina did tell me there were difficult circumstances. I had no idea they were this delicate. What was the reason she lost your babies?"

"She was in an explosion."

"Oh my goodness, how awful."

"There was an aneurism. They repaired it but the babies still died."

"And you say she's unaware of all this?"

"She knows she was raped. The rest, well, Dr. Gina is helping us bring it back to her memory."

She left him there, and he took long deep breaths to calm himself. But he felt a grenade was about to explode in his chest.

The following day they gathered in Dr. Gina's office.

"I received some of your results," Dr. Gina said. "Not all of them, but some, and we can begin with those. We'll take this little by little, okay?"

"Remember, Pamela, nothing's going to happen to you that you don't want it to. You will be in control of making the decisions from now on. But in order to do so you might need some information that is hidden in your mind. And there may be some discomfort in going to get that information. But whatever happened in the past didn't kill you, you survived it. Now we just have to help you process it."

"Focus on what you have in your life now. Hang onto that, Pamela."

John Ross now said, "That's right, you always got me baby. I'll be with you through it all."

Pamela had drifted off and now John Ross was calling her back to the present. She'd noticed he had checked his cell phone several times. Now he was asking, "Pammie, did you hear me?"

"No."

"Christopher's outside."

"Christopher's here?"

"Yes. He's here. Well, he's here 'cause I asked him to come. Do you mind if he comes in?"

"I guess it's okay." She looked at Gina. John Ross must've cleared it with Gina ahead of time. She was sure he had a reason for this.

When Christopher came in, he gave her a very gentle hug. But then he squeezed her tight. "I'm so sorry Pamela," he said.

Christopher had always had the most expressive eyes. While John Ross' were hard to read, Christopher's gave everything away and she could see deep caring in them. She felt comforted even though she didn't know what was about to happen.

As they all sat down again Gina opened the test results and said, "Are you ready?"

John Ross squeezed her hand and she nodded.

"Dr Anika says the results of the test are positive. But she was not able to determine the age of the fetus yet. It's very difficult at this stage."

"So it could be mine," John Ross said, and then corrected himself, "I mean, ours."

"No matter what, it IS mine, John Ross," Pamela said.

"I didn't mean that, Baby. It could still be ours, even if...if it's his."

"There is another issue that Dr. Anika wants you to know," she said, "that this is likely to be a very high risk pregnancy, because of your medical history."

"What history?" Pamela asked.

Dr. Gina cleared her throat. "Pamela, Christopher is here because he constitutes a significant part of your past that is relevant to your future."

Pamela turned to Christopher as he said, "Pamela, when you and I were married before, you were pregnant." At her pulling back in horror, "Yeah Pamela, you were pregnant with twins, our twin babies."

"Where are they, where are my babies?"

"I'm so sorry to tell you this. Our babies didn't make it to term, you lost them."

"No! That is awful, you are lying. How could you say such a thing? I don't remember any of this. I would NEVER forget my babies."

"It's true Baby. I was there when it happened," John Ross said.

"Then why didn't you tell me this? Why am I the last one to know? Who stole this from me? I would NEVER forget my babies. I want to remember them. Right now."

"Pamela, it may be for the best-" Dr. Gina began.

"No! It's not for the best! You take this, this block out of my brain right now! Right now! I want to remember them."

"Alright, take a deep breath. Relax. Listen to the sound of my voice. You will remember from the first moment you were aware of them, of being pregnant." She counted backwards. "Now tell me what you feel as the memories come back. Talk to me."

It was a two hour ordeal, her reliving of it all. She spoke about her love for the baby from the very first moment she knew she was pregnant. Then, of finding out they were two and not one. Her humiliation at having a DNA test done, because Christopher didn't believe they were his. The pregnancy had changed her, and she no longer wanted to follow through with the plan. But Tommy wouldn't desist, and became violent. She remembered getting a gun from the bank vault to protect herself. Trying to get him to leave and when he came for her, she remembered pulling the trigger to keep him from beating her and hurting her babies.

Then came the months of disputing with Christopher over the annulment, how that made her feel so alone. And during that time, her daddy was still pressuring her to get the shares of Ewing Energies, when all she wanted was a father like Christopher, that would pay attention to his babies. She didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that.

When she started to remember about the explosion on the rig and being taken to the hospital it became overwhelming. She cried through the telling of it.  
The ordeal in the hospital, the operation, the excruciating pain, the fetal monitors running out the clock. The terrible shooting pain of losing her babies.

Then, came the void. Trying to come to grips with the loss. Feeling strangely disembodied and empty.

Her father never came to see her, until he took over Ewing Energies. Now she started wailing, and became nearly incoherent as she recounted finding out that her father had been behind the rig explosion, and later, getting the confirmation that he had known she was on board, that he had knowingly endangered her babies.

"Aaaaaoow oooh," she wailed, hands and hair covering her face.

John Ross started begging the doctor. "That's enough. For God's sake bring her out of this."

"Pamela, listen to me, try to calm yourself, take deep breaths." Doctor Gina woke her from the hypnosis but the moment she was conscious she took in a great breath of air and started crying again, "My babies, he took my babies, oh, oh, oh. Why did he kill my babies? Oh Christopher, he killed our babies."

John Ross was holding her because she seemed to have lost all physical coherence and couldn't even sit upright. He kept saying, "Shshh Baby, don't, it's going to be alright, don't take on like this."

Christopher had hold of her hand, "Pamela, listen. The babies are buried at Southfork. You can visit their graves."

He moved out of the way now, as the assistant came in with a sedative the doctor had ordered for Pamela.

After the shot had been administered the doctor said, "Jonh Ross listen, I'm going to have her admitted. I'm going to need to have her under observation twenty four seven, both for her own sake and for the sake of the baby."

"What's going to happen now?" he asked.

"Now, we wait and see. Either she can bear it or she can't. Time will tell." 


	12. Season 1, Episode 12 - The Renewal

John Ross and Pamela - E1 S12 - The Renewal

John Ross and Christopher walked up the steps of Mama Joy's restaurant dragging their feet. It had been a long day of trauma, watching Pamela suffer through the loss of her babies. They had taken her to the hospital and seen her settled for the night. But Dr. Gina had insisted tomorrow she might need them and so she didn't allow John Ross to stay by Pamela's bedside. Reluctantly, John Ross left, but then thought of one more thing he had to do for Pamela that night.

"Ah, John Ross, I hate to be a stick in the mud," Christopher said, "but I'm starved."

There was a bit of a commotion going on in the family corner, so John Ross hung back and ordered some food for himself and Christopher. When she spotted John Ross, though, Mama Joy came right over.

After she welcomed Christopher she frowned and said, "And where's your better half at, John Ross?"

"As a matter of fact Mama, she's in the hospital," he answered quietly.

"What's happened to my angel girl?"

John Ross had to swallow hard. Angel girl. He'd always wanted to put his finger on a word that would describe her. "I wanted to ask you if you would go see her. She's had a shock and is feeling very low. Could you?"

"Take me there," she said.

"Ah. I meant, when you can. It doesn't have to be now."

"I can go right now. I will stay the night with her," Mama Joy insisted.

"Just like that, no questions asked?" John Ross' felt he was on the verge of tears. Kindness had a way of overwhelming him. He never expected it.

They decided John Ross would take Mama Joy to the hospital tomorrow at seven in the morning. They stayed to eat their meal, then made their way back to flamingo house.

Christopher walked around, saw the grand room with the kitchen and the soft couches. "This is nice, John Ross, homey," he said.

"She thought we would be happy here," he said, forlorn.

"She'll be back here, cousin," Christopher squeezed his shoulder.

On the terrace, with beers in hand, John Ross confessed, "I've made such horrible mistakes."

"Haven't we all?" Christopher answered.

"Yeah, but mine are what hurt Pamela. All this, it's my fault."

"John Ross that can't possibly be true. You love her, don't you?"

"Oh yes, it can be true, cousin. Because that's exactly what I did," he swallowed another gulp of the cold, numbing liquid and wished he was drinking something harder.

"How?"

"I cheated on her," he said. "With Emma."

"Damn."

"She was so destroyed she tried to take her own life. That's how come she ended up in that hospital for three months under the care of that...that psycho."

Christopher looked out to the sea. "You know, all this time I thought she tried to commit suicide because of the babies, and I've felt really bad about it. That I didn't do more to help her through it, but I thought you had that base covered. I thought you loved her, John Ross."

"I did. I do. I was just an arrogant son of a bitch who thought she would never find out. I was just cooking a deal, using Emma to get the Ryland transportation assets."

Christopher said nothing, so John Ross continued. "You know, Christopher, that's what we do in our family. We scheme and whore for business. And I wanted to be the best one at it. The first one to bring in a deal. I wanted to be my father's son, so badly. I was addicted to power. My mother warned me about it and she was right."

"I don't know, maybe I still am messed up like that, but I finally figured out what's important to me, and it's that woman back there in the hospital." He sighed. "I just don't know if I can fix what I've broken."

"Well, at least you're trying."

"Oh, I'll die trying. And I'll kill the first son of a bitch who tries to hurt her using my dirty dealings to do it. And that's why I got her out of Dallas. Because they were going after her."

"Who was going after her, John Ross?" Christopher frowned, "Emma?"

"Nickolas Trevino. He was the one who originally sent her the video of me and Emma. I know that's what caused her to break, finding out like that."

"That's awful. So they were trying to turn Pamela against us so they could have her shares?"

"Yeah, and they didn't care if they broke her in the process. When she got out of the hospital they were going to go after her again, to try to turn her. He implied as much, the smug son of a bitch. I figured as soon as he realized she didn't remember anything, he would send the tape to her again."

"Why don't you just tell her everything, John Ross? So she won't be this vulnerable."

"I've tried," John Ross answered. "But that is the one thing she says she doesn't want to know about, who I cheated with. You see? That leaves me in one hell of a pickle because I can't protect her from them!"

He took a long pull on his beer. "And there's still this shit about Cliff Barnes and Uncle Bobby framing him for killing JR. And you and I, Christopher, we colluded in it. So that's hanging over my head too. One more lie."

"He deserves what he got," Christopher ground out.

"But he's innocent." John Ross murmured, as he finished his beer.

"Not of killing our babies," Christopher ended.

The next morning John Ross and Christopher picked up Mama Joy. When they arrived at the hospital Gina was already there.

"How is she?" John Ross asked.

"Quiet. She's not talking."

"Now, if there is anybody who could get her to talk, it's this lady right here," He introduced Mama.

Pamela was feeling a great anguish; the kind that makes you numb and tired. If she could just curl up in a ball and go to sleep, things would pass. When she saw Mama Joy's face though, she felt something flood her, and she sat up to be hugged.

"Tell me what this is all about now." Mama Joy said in a mock stern voice.

"Who let you in here?" Pamela responded in the same vein.

"That no good husband of yours."

"Ah. That figures." Pamela now remembered him fetching Afton when...when she was in another hospital.

"Well, tell me straight, what the trouble is. I left the beans a'soaking, but I'm not going back there till we lick this."

"It's a long story."

"I got the patience of Job and you're not going to scare me."

Pamela told her everything, in a surprisingly short time. What helped was the fact that mama Joy didn't interrupt. Neither did she utter clucking sounds of great pity. She merely took it all in, nodding at times and wagging her head at others.

At the end of it all she said, "Darling, I'm heart sore that you've had all this trouble. You certainly didn't deserve it. But there it is. And you have to think about what you're going to do now."

"I don't know what to do now." Pamela said. "Tell me what to do."

"Honey child," she said, "You're not the first woman to be faced with bearing the child of her rapist."

"Thousands and thousands of women have borne children of soldiers coming through. Or, of slave masters. You see?" She turned Pamela's hand over in her brown worn hands and patted it. "Even today, some places in the world they still use rape as a weapon of war. You're not the first one and you won't be the last."

"Now. All you have to decide is if you can do this, if you can give this child life. Life itself is a gift. If you can't raise it yourself you give it to somebody else who can love it. And then you've given a double gift."

Pamela knew the tears were dripping down her face and she didn't even try to wipe them.

Mama Joy went on, saying all the things that needed to be said. "But if you can't do that, you give it back to God. And since he is a just God he has a recompense for the innocent who don't get to live this life."

"You believe that, Mama Joy?"

"Yes, I do, my lamb. It's simple. A woman does what she can bear to do in this circumstance."

Pamela thought about that, later. Not about the unborn child but about the twins. Was there a recompense for them?

Were her babies actually safe and well cared for, and happy? Did she believe that?

She found that she did. That she wanted to and so she would. She didn't care what everyone else thought. This was sufficient for her to find some peace. She took it in with her breathing, and the weight on her chest slowly lifted.

Later that day, she shared this new found belief with Christopher, before he left for Dallas. They cried together and hugged each other.

Christopher had an odd thought when he left. How could he have let a woman like that go? He had not recognized her for what she was, a deeply loving and sensitive woman who had been misguided for a time by loyalty to her father. They could have been happy if only he had been able to forgive her. Instead, he had taken up with Elena. And that had ended up in nothing.

While John Ross went to take Christopher to the airport Pamela had some time to reflect.

How could she ask him to do this? The thing that she was thinking about doing. She would have to choose between him and the baby, because no man would agree to raise his wife's rapist child. And this was an innocent child, of that she was certain. Her talk with Mama Joy this morning had only served to confirm it. She decided she was its mother, no matter what. She would raise it on her own if need be. But she would wait to know for sure whose child it was before she told John Ross of her decision.

John Ross was able to bring Pamela home the following day as Gina thought she was stable enough.

"Shall I order something for dinner, Baby?" he asked, as he drove her across the island.

"No, stop at the market. I want to cook." She took a while choosing her carrots, and cucumbers, and celery.

After dinner they wandered out to the hammock and Pamela asked for a foot rub.

"For real?" John Ross said. "You're going to start playing the pregnant woman card so soon?"

"Oh yes, I'm going to play it to the hilt." Pamela answered.

Through out the foot rub she moaned and sighed so much he distracted himself by tickling her. She ended on his lap, like a cuddly kitten and he could no longer restrain himself. He stole a quick hard kiss from her lips.

"Sorry," he said, after.

"Why are you sorry?" she asked, sliding a hand inside his shirt, her blue eyes focused on his, her lips moist and parted.

"Okay then, I'm not sorry." He held her body close and kissed her again.

Then he nibbled her ear. He ran his fingers through her hair and massaged her head and she moaned again. He found he was in a fever to make love to her.

But he denied himself, with severe discipline, because he was taking no chances that Pamela would end up back in the hospital that night. She didn't seem to remember she was playing with fire. Only he knew how horrifying her panic attacks were and he'd be damned if he'd provoke one.

Pamela went back to her cooking classes after that and John Ross fell into the habit of trading in the stock market during the morning. He had needed a business challenge and found he was sort of good at it. He usually picked Pamela up and had lunch at Mama Joy's. From there, they would go for long walks on the beach in the afternoon or play in a local volleyball game. If there was a local baseball game in the evenings, where Godwin or one of the cousins were playing, they would go and watch with Mama Joy's family. Pamela would invariably end up with a baby on her lap.

Their lives took on a beautiful rhythm, and their unconsummated love affair seemed to strain only John Ross. Even so, every day he counted himself as the luckiest man on earth.

One day, he caught Mama Joy when Pamela was engaged elsewhere and asked her if she knew a priest that would do a renewal of vows ceremony. She was very pleased to conspire with him to set up the ceremony during a "fake" family beach gathering. Pamela was kept totally in the dark.

John Ross invited Drs. Gina and Anika to this event, telling a puzzled Pamela when they arrived, "Ah darling, it's a special occasion, you'll see."

When the group was gathered on the beach and the matrons duly seated on beach chairs John Ross had purchased (along with a grill he was going to baptize with a real Texas barbecue later) he called on everyone to give him their attention.

"Uh, excuse me everyone, if you could all please give me your full attention, especially that beautiful lady over there, holding the beautiful baby, so beautifully. Yeah, Godwin, my official photographer, take a picture of her, just like that. Now, if someone could relieve her of that baby, thank you. Pamela Barnes Ewing, inasmuch as I love you with all my heart, darling, and want to spend all the remaining days of our lives together, would you consent darling," he was walking across the circle towards her, "to have the honorable Rev. Elias Hosannah here renew our wedding vows for us?"

At this point, when he reached her and took her hand, she whispered, "John Ross, I haven't talked to you about the baby yet."

He took both her hands and said, in a private voice, "There's nothing to say darling, this is our baby, and we're going to raise it together."

Then in a public voice he said, "How about it?"

A teary eyed Pamela said, "Alright. Do it."

He then opened a box Godwin handed to him and pulled out a bridal bouquet of white orchids, which he placed in her hands. Then he pinned a half veil on her head with clumsy fingers and slipped her hand through his arm to face the preacher.

The Reverend gave an impassioned speech, on the importance of the institution of marriage, and what it took to keep it running. The gathered family participated often, with "Amen to that," and "Here, here, hallelujah."

Next, he asked each if they took the other. John Ross wondered whether he had paid any attention at all to his first wedding ceremony, because the words "keeping only unto each other" and "in sickness or in health," and "so long as ye both shall live" had so much more meaning for him now. He realized they were the clauses of the contract, the instructions for the recipe, the qualities that insured it's success or failure.

His bride was smiling through her tears, all signs of the regal and distant Pamela had vanished. She was radiant and all present.

John Ross took a sapphire band from a small box in his pocket and slid it onto Pamela's finger. He then kissed her so hard she threw her arms around his neck and crushed him too. The whooping and clapping went on for long minutes and then they were engulfed in hugs and congratulations from all sides.

Later, as John Ross and the men were grilling and joking around Mama Joy said to Pamela, "Tell me what more you've wished for, dear."

Pamela looked across the way, at a jubilant John Ross and said, "Nothing. I have it all."

"Yes, hang on to that."

That week Dr. Anika scheduled an ultrasound to determine the age of the baby. The results were surprising.

She moved the detector around on Pamela's belly and pointed to the cursor on the screen and said, "Well, my friends, look at that, you have one heartbeat there and another one over here."

"W-what?" John Ross was totally paralyzed.

"We have twins." Pamela said, a look of compassion on her face. She kissed his hand, which was squeezing hers.

"Now, according to these measurements, it puts the age of the babies..."

Both of them held their breath.

"Well inside the margin. Yes, it's no older than the date you arrived in Saint Kits."

Now it was John Ross who kissed the hand he was holding and then the lips of the mother of his children. "We're batting a thousand, baby," he said, looking in her misty, smiling eyes.

They left the doctor's and went straight to tell Mama Joy. They sat at the big family table in the corner and celebrated the news of twins as if they had already been carried to term. 


	13. Season 1, Episode 13 - Extreme Seduction

Season 1 Episode 13 - Extreme Seduction

For a man with such a checkered past in the seduction department it could be said that John Ross finally got his just deserts.

He could not account for why his wife had gone up ten points in the sexiness meter just by getting pregnant. Her skin had acquired the luster of pearls and her cheeks had a permanent blush. She looked at him with such love he thought he would ignite like a flame.

She was in a perpetual good mood. She cooked in shorts that left her long legs exposed, and in tops that seemed to always be falling off of one shoulder or another. When her shorts stopped fitting she just left the top button open. He found himself worrying, out loud, if they were going to fall off.

"So what?" She shrugged. "I'm in the house, nobody can see me."

_I_ can see you, you...playboy bunny. "Can't we afford you some new clothes? They have a name for them, don't they? Mother clothes."

"Maternity clothes, dummy." She broke out into the most delicious, loud laughter and when he faked being offended she came for him with open arms, insisting on kissing him and then being held tightly in his arms, until he could hardly keep from pulling her down on the couch with him.

"Let's go get you some, then," he said, to get her on another track. "We can certainly afford them. Been making a ton of money on the stock market lately."

But that strategy turned out to be disastrous. When they found a maternity shop, she was suddenly very enthusiastic about the maternity clothes, and insisted on modeling them for his approval.

These shorts were no less short, and the tops no less skimpy, except that she insisted they were sooo cute and comfortable she had to try them all.

Afterwards, he took her to dinner at one of the hotels.

"I can cook," she protested.

"Darling, I can't allow that." He didn't say it was because she had already spent so much energy on clothes shopping. He said instead, "You had me doing such hard work there, judging all those clothes, I'm starving. I couldn't bear to wait the three hours it would take for you to cook dinner."

"Oh pooh. You're such a liar," she said. "You just hate my food."

"I promise you, I DO NOT hate your food."

When they got home she insisted on showing how grateful she was. But he maneuvered her out of her amorous state. "Darling, you look dead on your feet, let me put you to bed with a foot rub. You know you can't resist my foot rubs."

"Okay," she answered, and extended her arms, for him to pick her up and carry her.

As time went by this became another tease of hers, "I'm too heavy for you now," she would say.

He then had to insist on showing her he could pick her up just fine. He didn't realize until later that he had been training for a life saving marathon.

But the tricky part of carrying her to bed was that she would make him fall into bed with her and put a hand on her belly to feel the flutter of the babies. From there, kissing her tummy, her hair, her lips were easy steps to forgetting he had to keep away from her.

It was precisely on one of these occasions that Pamela decided she had had enough. Whether it was because of her pregnancy or some other reason related to her panic attacks concerning sex, she and John Ross had been practicing this hands-off platonic love affair.

No matter how hard she tried to seduce him he managed to evade her. At first she thought she was no longer wanted. But so many things he did testified to his love for her.

She decided to stop tip-toeing around and give him no escape. For herself, she had no fears. She knew what she wanted and that was John Ross Ewing.

"Excuse me, darling, there's a bit of work I just got to get done tonight, so I can bid on these stocks tomorrow," he said, rolling out of her grasp and getting out of bed.

"Don't darling me, John Ross," she said. "Not unless you're willing to put your money where your mouth is."

"Baby, I just don't think we should do this now, you and the babies need your rest."

She got out of bed now, and blocked his path, insinuating herself into his arms again. "Don't blame our babies John Ross. Don't you-," she sniffed, "don't you want me anymore?"

He tightened his hold on her, "Baby, I want you something fierce."

"Nothing's going to happen," she whispered, "I promise."

The gusto with which John Ross had formerly enjoyed his sex life returned. His joy in this moment exceeded anything he had ever felt before. To be given another taste of something he had once taken for granted and then, had had taken away from him, perhaps forever, felt like an absolution from Providence.

For Pamela, the feeling was all ecstasy. To be touched, to be caressed, to be loved with such gentleness and yet such passion. The intensity just mounted in her until she realized she couldn't breathe anymore. Her throat had seized up, her lungs could not bear it. She mustered all her courage and said, "John Ross, Baby, can you excuse me for just a sec?"

"Sure baby, I'll be right here."

She couldn't let him see her like this. She had to calm her nerves. But when she got to the bathroom and locked the door behind her, she experienced an overwhelming desire to vomit. She turned on the water in the sink to cover the sound of it and kneeled down in front of the toilet and emptied all the contents of her stomach.

"Baby?" she heard, from outside the door.

Oh my God. She couldn't hurt him like this. He could not know what was going on. She had to calm herself. He had been so sweet, so loving. Sooo understanding of all her setbacks.

But she knew. It hurt him to be denied. It destroyed his pride. It made him feel unloved and a beggar for affection. John Ross would never beg for love. He would simply go without. But after a while he came to believe he didn't deserve any. She knew him. At the core of this very cocky man was just a little boy, fighting for love.

"Baby? Don't do this. You can't lock the door. I have to know you're alright." His voice was filled with fear.

"Baby, I'm fine." She said, hastily wiping the tears off her face. Why couldn't she give the man she loved what she wanted to give him? She was furious with herself.

She got up and unlocked the door.

"Thank you," he said. But he did not come in.

When she came out of the bathroom a few minutes later he was not there. There was a note on the bed that said,

"Went for a jog,  
love you,  
Sleep well."

She cried herself to sleep waiting for him to come home. She had hurt him so badly he couldn't let her see it. He was out there in the night, jogging alone. With the devil on his trail.

The next morning when John Ross woke up he also found a note on the pillow, instead of his wife.

"Went to see Gina.  
be back soon  
love you"

Gina had agreed to take Pamela before her first patient since she could not wait till her weekly scheduled appointment. What she saw in front of her was a deeply angry woman. Pamela had always appeared too passive to be normal and Gina was happy to see her expressing another range of emotions.

"Whats got your panties in a bind?"

"There is something wrong with me," she said. "Something deeply wrong with me."

"What do you think it is?" Gina prodded.

"I want to make love to my husband so bad. So bad I'm like a bitch in heat."

"Well the hormones of pregnancy-"

"Forget the hormones! I looove that man! I literally ache for him. I want to show him how I feel. I want his arms around me. "

"Okay so what's the problem? Dr Anika hasn't forbidden it, has she? Because it's GOOD for the babies."

Pamela explained, "When he touches me here, or here, I shut down."

"Wow. That seems like a very specific trigger. "

"Can you put me under hypnosis and find out why?"

"I can help you remember but we don't know what we'll find."

"I don't want to remember, I just want you to get inside my mind, find out what is wrong, and fix it."

John Ross was trying to concentrate on his stocks portfolio but to no avail. He wanted to know what was going on in Gina's office. It wasn't unusual for Pamela to see her alone, she had been doing that for some time now. But her emergency appointment this morning surely had to do with the events of last night. Was Gina unlocking more of her subconscious? Letting lose other memories?

If, so, he should brace himself. Anything could happen now. This could be the day of reckoning. The day when she would finally decide to kick him to the curb.

He heard the car pull in at that moment and stayed exactly where he was. He had to be sitting down if his knees were about to be cut out from under him.

She walked into the house with a purpose and threw her bag down on the couch.

He stood up, she kissed him with the force of the old, bold Pamela.

"Um, that was nice, dar-"

"Touch me. Touch me there," she moved his hands.

"Wait, let's not start this again," he said, persuading.

"Touch me there!"

"Pammie, let's not start something we can't finish. It's hard, you know. I'm a guy."

She pushed her body into his, while he held up his hands like a man under arrest, and backed away. Now she had him against a wall. She grabbed his collar with both hands. "What? You can sleep around with any hoochie that offers but you're going to deny me my rights?"

"Ha ha ha! Deny your-"

She slapped him now.

He grabbed her by the wrists, "Whoah, woman. What's gotten into you?"

"I'm mad. No, I'm furious," she stomped.

"I'm listening," he said, looking down into her eyes.

"That son of a bitch doctor stuck something in my brain. An off switch for sex!"

"A what?"

"He made it so that if you touched me there, or there, I'd get sick."

"So-" he breathed now, his anger at the doctor vying with his reawakened lust for his wife. It wasn't an aversion to him, after all.

"So, I had it taken out."

"Are you sure?" He started to kiss her face in odd places.

"Let's test it out, Baby. Pleeease," she said.

He picked her up in his arms now and carried her off to their bedroom.

It was a month since John Ross and Pamela had a achieved total felicity. The beautiful rhythm of life had been enhanced by the addition of a healthy sex life. Pamela was now six months pregnant, and without complications.

Their counseling work with Gina had also steadily progressed. They had learned about themselves and about each other. And they now knew what they valued above all things.

Dr. Anika encouraged Pamela not to over exert herself, and to wear a weight bearing belt as she gained pounds with the pregnancy. Because her trauma with the previous twins had involved the placenta partially detaching from the uterus wall it was highly possible she might spend the last months of the pregnancy in bed rest. But the longer she went without signs of trouble, the better became the odds of her carrying to term.

Pamela was very focused on getting things ready for the babies. A smaller guest room was being converted into a nursery. Pamela wanted it painted a very light shade of blue because they'd discovered the babies were twin boys. They did it together, which meant John Ross did ninety five percent of it, while she gave unnecessary instructions and did imaginary touch ups.

John Ross encouraged Pamela to shop over the internet, because going out on daily shopping sprees was exhausting. But this meant he was the one who had to assemble cribs and dressers and changing tables. Lucky for him, it was always with much help and encouragement. He found she was more adept at reading the assemblage instructions than he was. She had had previous experience. In any case, they spent much time together in this labor of love.

"John Ross that doesn't go there. Turn it around, see? This screw goes here."

"I can drill for oil faster than I can put this here baby crib together," he mumbled, under his breath.

"You're silly. You're doing great." she kissed him on the cheek. "Aren't you happy doing this?"

"To tell you the truth Pamela Barnes, I'm happier than I think a man has a right to be. I never thought I'd come to have so much in my life. "

"What do you mean? Are your stock trades going so well?"

"I wasn't talking about that. I was talking about having a gorgeous sexy wife, and babies of my own. A family, a kick ass family. Damn!"

"And why do you think you don't have a right to that?"

"'Cause I come from a broken family. I never believed in happily ever after. And most of all, because I've done things. Things that make me undeserving."

"John Ross, I know you cheated on me."

"With somebody you know."

She held up her hand "I've told you I don't care about who-"

"It was Emma." He couldn't hold it in anymore.

She stopped all movement. Then she struggled to get up from her cross legged position and he jumped up to help her. When she was standing she shook his hands off and walked into the master bedroom and locked the door.

Before she'd closed it he said. "I'm so sorry baby. But you had to know."

But was that true? Or had he just told her to get it off his chest? So he could stop living as if he had a sword hanging over his head. It was selfish. If he had to carry that secret till the end of his life it would be a just penance. He should not have unloaded it onto her.

But was he being entirely fair? Didn't their new life together deserve the truth?

Pamela went into the bedroom, but only because she wanted to get away from John Ross. What she really needed was to put some distance between herself and this house. She'd been cooped up almost without leaving for days now.

Every time she learned something about her past, she felt like the earth shook beneath her feet and she had to regroup. Now, she stepped out of the bedroom through the terrace doors and made her way to the little garden gate leading down the steps to the shore. If she walked on the beach maybe she could think this out. She'd left everything behind, including her cell phone, so she could be in peace.


	14. Season 1, Episode 14 - The Departure

Season 1 – Episode 14 – The Departure

SEASON FINALE

Pamela kicked off her shoes so her feet could feel the sand. She started walking slowly, ruminating.

John Ross and Emma. John Ross and Emma. That's what had made her want to kill herself.

John Ross and Emma. When? Had they planned it? Had they laughed at her? She remembered now Emma shopping with her for wedding night lingerie. She remembered her asking slightly intrusive questions about their sex life. Had she been tracking them? John Ross had said it was to get a deal. What deal could have been so important? She remembered now that he had been trying to get a Ryland transportation deal at one point.

But had John Ross been using Emma or had Emma been using John Ross? Obviously Emma was not the young innocent she passed herself off as.

Obviously, if she wanted answers she would have to let John Ross tell her the whole story. Something he had been begging her for months to let him do.

Pamela stopped walking now. She realized she was a little out of breath. She looked up at her surroundings and couldn't recognize where she was. The gentle hill with back yards giving out to the sea, even the ones with long stairs, had ended at some point. Above her were cliffs. Right then she felt a strong pressure bearing her belly down. She grabbed her belly with both hands, then sunk down into the sand yelling "Aaaaoow."

"Calm yourself, Pamela," she self-admonished. "Deserted beach. No cell phone. Nowhere to turn for help. Breathe. Stay calm."

"He'll come for you. He'll find you. He'll notice you're gone and he'll come looking. He's never failed you."

"You hear that, babies? He'll come. Daddy will come. That's right." She felt woozy, like her pressure had dropped, or gone up, or something. "We're just going to take a nap. He'll be here soon."

John Ross was pacing, up and down the driveway, and around his car. He didn't know who to call. He felt that had been the stupidest, most asinine thing he'd ever done.

He called Christopher. "John Ross. How's it going?"

"I told Pamela about Emma."

Pause. "How'd she take it?"

"She locked herself in the bedroom."

"How long ago?"

"Half an hour."

"Did you check on her?"

"I'm trying to give her some space."

"I'd go check. Call me back later."

He went in to the bedroom when he didn't get an answer. He saw the open terrace door and no one in the garden so he went back in, to see if she was in the house. The babies' room was empty. She couldn't have gone out to the street or she would have passed him. Now he froze.

She wouldn't have gone down the steps to the ocean because coming back up them was too much exertion. Pamela knew this, she would not take any risks.

But if she were out of her right mind? He was flying down those steps now. At the bottom, he looked both ways, unsure. Then he spotted her shoes by the water. It was like a boxer's punch in the solar plexus.

He coughed it out, gasping for air, while at the same time scouting the ground for tracks. When he found them he took off running in that direction.

The steps up the hill to other houses were becoming higher and steeper. There was still no sign of her. Her tracks were gone. Either she had been walking in the water or...

"No, no, no."

He jogged out into the next little bay and saw the forbidding cliff side now rising. No way out, only forward. He ran full speed ahead now.

And then he saw the body on the sand.

In another few minutes he was kneeling down beside his wife. Her eyes were closed.

"Pamie?" He touched her face.

She opened fearful eyes. "John Ross. I'm so sorry. I didn't know what I was doing."

"It's okay, Baby. Everything is going to be alright. How you feeling?"

"Faint." She answered, and closed her eyes.

He pulled his cell out of his pocket and dialed Godwin. "Hey, brother. I have an emergency. I need an ambulance. Pamela's...on the beach, the cliffs beyond my house. You probably can't get a vehicle in here..."

"It's okay. We'll find you," Godwin said.

John Ross knew the stakes. He remembered. He had been here before. But he was glad she didn't remember. And he mustn't let it show.

He now picked her up, carefully. He raised himself up from a kneeling position, took a deep breath and braced himself for a mile long walk.

"Is she still after you?" Pamela asked, from nothing, five minutes into this trek.

"Who?" He breathed. But he knew whom she was talking about. It was as if there were nothing but naked truth between them now.

"Emma."

"No. She gave up on me after a while."

"Is that... why we left...Dallas?"

"Save your energy, Baby."

"Need...answers."

"Alright. She seemed to have shifted her affections. From me...to you."

"What?"

"She's in love with you. And unbalanced. You don't really know her."

She didn't really ask anything more. It was just as well. He needed his wind. Where was help? Dear God, help us.

Rounding the cove now he saw Godwin, running for him at full speed.

He'd brought a blanket, which he spread on the ground. "Put her here. We'll make a sort of hammock."

When he tried to put Pamela down she said. "No."

"It's okay, Baby. We'll be there in no time. You just stay calm like you're doing."

"Not calm. Hurts."

He kissed her forehead. "Where?"

"Cramps."

Cramps. That meant the babies were coming. Could babies survive this young?

Only if they make it. God, he'd never really thought about what Christopher had gone through, why he'd fought so hard for all of them to make it.

But Christopher deserved his babies. He wasn't a selfish bastard like him. And still, his babies had been taken.

"Here they come." Godwin alerted him. And they saw two EMTs running down the beach, carrying a stretcher. Behind them was Godwin's cousin, Josiah, still in his tie and office clothes.

They put Pamela on the stretcher. One of the EMTs took her vitals and pressure. Then he shook his head, silent. All four men now carried the stretcher between them at a clipped pace.

John Ross used his free hand to call Dr Anika on his cell. "It's Pamela. She's coming in, in an ambulance. Hold on Dr." He handed the phone to the EMT that had taken her pressure.

At the hospital it was touch and go. Dr. Anika administered some hormone cocktail to keep the babies in. That's all John Ross understood. They stabilized her. When they first allowed him to see her the doctor said, "No strong emotions, we've got to keep her calm. But she's asking for you."

"Baby," he whispered, when he kissed her forehead. She was full of IV's, and surrounded by monitors.

She touched his face but didn't open her eyes. It seemed she was keeping all her focus on holding those babies. "I knew you'd come for us. You've never failed me. I forgive you. For everything. You're my heart, my soul, and my life."

Some monitor spiked and Dr. Anika said, "That's enough for right now."

He was ushered out, and the door slid shut behind him. He'd said nothing to her. And she'd said everything he'd ever needed to hear in his life. Was all this worth it, you sorry bastard?

He leaned on the wall and started sobbing. This is how Mama Joy and Godwin found him. They carried him to the waiting room, where several other family members were gathering. It seemed they had come for a prayer vigil. He was embarrassed, because he really didn't know how to pray. But every time his thoughts threatened to engulf him in lowness it seemed another member of the family would break out in a short, sincere and eloquent prayer. They prayed for Pamela, they prayed for the babies, and they prayed for him. And that's when he would break down all over again.

Pamela stayed in the hospital for two weeks. At the end Dr. Anika said to both of them, "You have resources, right?"

"You mean money?" John Ross clarified.

"Yes. If you do, I would recommend you to move Pamela. To a facility with a crack trauma team and neonatal ward. You might need both. Right here, this is not the best place. Our resources are limited.

"And if you're going to go off island, you have to go now, because I can't in good conscience recommend that Pamela fly after this."

John Ross relied on Christopher to get him a medical transport plane back to Dallas, while he closed up flamingo house. There wasn't much thought given to going anywhere else but Dallas.

"So, they'll be there tomorrow morning. And we'll see you when you land," Christopher said.

"Thanks cousin." John Ross thought of one more thing. "Any progress on Dr. Macnamara?"  
There was a pause on the other end. "Nothing yet. Bum got into the clinic video bank, tried to find video footage. There was nothing on Pamela anywhere."

"Listen, I've got to go. See you tomorrow. Tell no one we're coming."

"What about my dad? What about your mom?"

"No, not yet. They're both close to Annie and she's close to you know who. God, I wish we weren't going back into the lions den, the shark infested waters."

And that was the truth. Such peace and bliss and wholesomeness as they'd experienced here. It had brought sanity to their lives. How could they face going back to addiction, dysfunction and constant intrigue?

He put his phone in his pocket and walked into Pamela's hospital room.

"We're going to miss you all so…much." Pamela was saying to Mama Joy. John Ross' heart nearly stalled, seeing his wife in tears.

"That's right," he said, sitting on the bed beside her and putting his arm around her. "You all have taken us in, made us feel like family."

"You are part of the family." She hugged John Ross now, an honest to goodness bear hug. "Just as soon as you can, you bring those babies back to see me. Okay?"

"We don't know how to survive without you." Pamela said, crying harder.

"Well, I'll tell you how to stay out of trouble." She now took their hands. "You, my angel girl, you focus on the babies. And you, young man, you focus on her. Like you've been doing. If you both stay on that track you can't go wrong. And you'll be alright."

End of Season 1

SEASON 2

Will John Ross and Pamela be able to hang on to what they've learned? Will the temptations and pitfalls of Dallas conspire against them? Will their enemies and their secrets finally destroy their love?

Let me know if you'd like to see Season 2. 


	15. Season 2, Episode 1 - Toxic

John Ross and Pamela – S2 E1 - Toxic

Pamela was forewarned by John Ross that he'd called Afton to come down and see her in the hospital in Dallas. When she woke up that morning she was prepared.

"Here we are again Pammie. In the hospital. We have to stop meeting like this." Afton wagged her finger, as if Pamela had just been willfully naughty.

"I didn't do it on purpose, Mommy." Pamela let herself be kissed.

"Well, of course not. But you have to make the best of things." She reviewed her daughter from head to foot and then said, "No makeup, I see."

"Does it really matter? I'm in the hospital." Pamela replied.

Afton sighed and then said, "Ah honey, let me tell you, that's no way to keep a man."

"What?"

She rummaged in her purse and came up with assorted items of make up and started working on her daughters face. "Even under the worst of circumstances women gotta look their best. Close your eyes."

Pamela allowed herself to be fussed over for a moment because she knew that's how her mother expressed love, by fixing what was wrong with your face, your hair, your clothes.

"You can never trust that love, it is restless, always looking for a fresher, more lovely model," Afton said.

Pamela's stomach felt queasy now. What did her mother know? Had some gossip reached her about John Ross's infidelity? Did she think it was Pamela's fault? That she had failed to keep her man happy? Oh, she couldn't deal with all this right now. She had to focus on the babies.

Her voice lowered a notch. "Mama, I need my rest now. Come back tomorrow."

"Excuse me?" She put her hand to her bosom and said, "Young lady I'm sure I taught you better manners than that."

Pam didn't apologize as expected.

"Well I never," Afton clicked her tongue. "What am I supposed to do with the rest of my day?" She asked.

"Perhaps you can hang out at that expensive Hotel John Ross put you up in?"

"Yes, maybe I can rub shoulders with somebody who can better appreciate my company." She now retrieved her purse and left.

When she was out of ear range Pam said in the same gruff voice, "Yes, and good riddance. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. The last thing Pamela needs is someone messing with her mind right now. If John Ross knew how you treat your girl, he wouldn't have brought you up here."

She now pushed the button to lower her bed and went to sleep.

Pamela was wondering where John Ross was. When he walked in, it was with the usual offering of flowers. Her hospital room now had six small bouquets in assorted window sills. And no one but Christopher knew they were back.

But the bouquet of flowers did nothing to minimize her irritation. They had been back three weeks now. Pamela was trying as hard as she could to work the internet to get things ready for the babies. But John Ross was absent and uncooperative. She knew it wasn't the company. He'd decided not to go back yet. He'd said he wanted to get them settled before he went back into that toxic environment.

Then why was he being of so little help?

"John Ross? Do you remember Mama Joy's advice to us when we left?"

"Yeah, sure."

"That you should focus on the babies and I should focus on you."

"And if we did that we wouldn't get lost here in Dallas, the frying pan of hell."

"That's right, darling."

"So why are you neglecting me?"

"I…" he looked down and to the side, anywhere but in her eyes. "I'm sorry darling, I'll try to do better."

"Look at me, John Ross."

He looked at her, so seriously.

"Why am I the only one here trying to get things done for the babies? Find a house?"

"Pammie, I thought you were working with the realtor lady I got you."

"I can't find a house from a hospital bed. I need you with me on this."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Just tell me the truth. Why are you so far away? What are you doing out there? You come in here so tired every day, you spend half your time sleeping in my chair." She now gasped, as if it had just occurred to her to ask. "Where do you sleep?"

"Nowhere. In the car. In the waiting room."

"What do you mean? We've been here for weeks. Why haven't you got yourself a hotel room? Are we…are we short on money?"

"No. I just don't want to be in a hotel." He seemed to be stalling. "Without you."

"Baby, come here." She raised her covers in an inviting way.

"Are you sure it's okay? I don't want to hurt the babies."

"Well, take your boots off then," she smiled.

As John Ross got into bed with her and fell asleep almost immediately Pamela reflected on his behavior.

He was hiding something from her. Either something had happened that he felt he couldn't share with her or he had fallen off the wagon.

But no, it couldn't be that. If John Ross had slept with somebody he'd be feeling much worse. He'd be hating on himself.

She'd taken her eyes off him for just a little while now, because she was busy with the babies. But John Ross was not the kind of man who could be neglected. He needed reassurance that he was needed all the time. He needed a woman who fully depended on his protection, on his care, on his fighting for her.

She drifted off to sleep with the thought that tomorrow she would figure this out. For now, he was safe in her bed.

John Ross woke up around midnight and looked at his watch. Carefully, he slid out of his wife's hospital bed, grabbed his boots and left.

Once in his car, he checked a GPS location and followed it's instructions. When he arrived at the GPS location he parked quietly and sat looking at the house. The only lights on were in the back, in the den. He had spent several evenings here already, staking out the place, to see if there was any suspicious activity. Nothing ever happened. Only that light in the back, late at night.

He left the car now, closing the door with the utmost care and yet a dog in the neighborhood still barked, setting off a chain reaction. He waited for it to die down before moving carefully towards the house.

When he reached the window of the den he saw him. Sitting in the desk chair, a drink in his hand, looking at the screen. John Ross couldn't see the screen, but Dr. Macnamara was staring at it intently. The sounds his ears could pick up were faint, they could have been those of any porn flick. But John Ross's blood froze. What if he were watching his wife on those videos? He had to know. Somehow, he had to get in there and find out.

He pressed his face with both hands, tried to regulate his breathing, to calm the fury that was threatening to unleash a lawless monster within him. He felt the need to kill. It was so primal he felt he was burning up alive. He fell away to the ground and just lay there. He didn't know for how long. When he came back to himself he saw the lights were already out. He slinked back to his car and took himself out of the neighborhood. Morning came and he still didn't know what he was going to do, what his next step would be. So he went back to the hospital.

He walked in on Pamela having her breakfast. She smiled and said, "Baby, where'd you go? You look…awful."

"Sorry, I'll shave in a minute."

"Close the door, would you? Lock it. I don't want any interruptions."

"O-kay." He raised his eyebrows but then obeyed orders.

"Here, have a bite of my omelet."

"I don't want to steel my children's food," he said. "I'll get something later, in the cafeteria."

"Eat," she commanded.

She had decided that attack mode would be the most effective. "John Ross, are you cheating on me again?"

He choked on his food and nearly spit it out. He grabbed a napkin. "What? No! How can you even—"

"Where have you been all these nights? Where did you go last night? Tell me."

"I…I had something to do. But I swear it had nothing to do with—with what you said."

"Then tell me what you're doing. Tell me now. Right now."

"I…I was on a stakeout."

She didn't react. So he had to explain further. "Since neither Christopher nor Bum have been able to come up with anything to entrap the psycho doc with, I've been staking out the guy's house to see if I can come up with something."

"And why didn't you tell me."

"I didn't want you involved. I didn't want it to touch you and the babies."

"And you think having a distracted husband acting weird doesn't affect me?"

"I'm sorry, Baby."

"John Ross I started to imagine the worst of the worst. That you had gone back to the company and found horrible things, that the family had found out we were here. That Emma—"

"Shsh, baby. I'm not going to let anyone, not anyone hurt you or come between us. I swear—"

"But you have already let someone come between us. That doctor. John Ross, I'm willing to forget about him. We have much more important things to focus on right now. We almost lost our babies. We have to focus on getting them born, safely. Having a home for them when they come. All that is up in the air. And I have to get that settled. Every hormone in my body is telling me to get settled."

"Babe, we're not homeless. There's always Southfork."

"I'm not going back to Southfork! Not ever. That place is toxic for us."

"Okay, okay. Don't upset yourself." He remembered horrible panic attacks. She was right, he had to focus on what _she_ needed, not what he himself needed. He'd done it again. His selfishness knew no bounds.

"You're right Pammie. I've been selfish. I've been focusing on what I needed, to get this son of a bitch behind bars. Not on what you need. Which is calm, and security, and peace. I'm soo sorry, baby. I'll do better. I promise."

He took her in his arms and held her. It was like finding the compass needle. He knew his purpose, he had his north again.

For the next month he worked as hard as he could on finding and buying a house. Pamela said she wanted it to be as close as possible to flamingo house in layout and feel. She worked online and ordered furnishings and baby things and he executed all her directions and wishes. He kept his focus on pleasing her and she swamped him with things to do. It was almost enough. Only his nightmares gave evidence that his mind was deranged with an obsession.

Pamela knew a man like John Ross, restless and borderline hyperactive, had to be kept busy. When his mind began to chafe and flounder she encouraged him to pursue his trading again. But it wasn't enough. She knew it only occupied a portion of his gargantuan energies.

Pamela soon realized that he had been telling a fundamental truth when he'd said he needed Macnamara to be put behind bars. She didn't remember his sexual assault, and she hoped she never would. She could, in a sense, put it aside, in lieu of more important things. But she began to see John Ross never would. It was a debt unpaid, a grievance unavenged. It affected his very core, his manhood, his need to eviscerate any threat to her.

She called Suellen one day, to come and visit her for the first time.

"Hello? Who's this?" Suelen answered her phone.

"It's me. Are you alone?"

Suelen walked outside the Southfork kitchen, saying to Annie, "I'm sorry, I have to get this."

Outside she took a quick look around and said, "Pamela! How wonderful to talk to you. How are you darling?" Now she whispered, "How are my grand babies? How much longer do I have to keep this a secret? Surely the danger must be over by now, I'm sure you're three months along already. I want to shout this from the rooftops. I'm going to be a grandmother! "

"Suelen, wait."

"Yes darling. I'm sorry, what can I do for you? It's just that it's been so long since we've talked. I'm very excited."

"I want you to come see me."

Suellen nearly jumped for joy now. "You want me to come and see you? Where darling? Pamela, I'll catch the first plane out."

She ran back inside to get her purse and say a hurried goodbye to Annie. She failed to notice Emma coming to an abrupt halt and then hastily hiding in the shrubbery behind her.

She was never conscious of the car that followed her as she left the Southfork ranch.

Suellen entered Pamela's room, hugged her, and pulled up a chair. "Pamela, my dear, I'm in shock. What is this, what's happened."

"Well, it's a long story Suellen." Pam was sober. "First, have you seen your son?"

"No. Should I have? How long have you been back?"

"Almost two months."

Suellen was speechless for a moment. Then she frowned and said, "Darling, how far along are you?"

Pam lifted up the covers now and showed her belly, "Thirty two weeks."

"Oh my God! They're almost here."

Suellen had a lot to say, in fact, one could say she was almost babbling, her delight was obvious. She was, in fact, trying to cover up the fact that she wanted Pamela's forgiveness. Abruptly, she started crying, first of happiness but then of sorrow and regret. "Oh Pammie, if you knew, how bad I feel for what you went through. For my part in it. For not telling you what John Ross was up to. I'm so sorry."

"Shsh, Suellen. It doesn't matter now. None of that matters. Listen, dry your eyes, because I need you. I need your help. That's why I called you. I need to get a lawyer."

"Oh no, what has he done. What has John Ross done now?" She looked as if her heart could break. "I thought…, on the phone…he begged my forgiveness."

"John Ross is fine. This has nothing to do with him. Please, let me explain."

Suellen wiped her tears and blew her nose. Then she smiled and said, "I'm ready."

Pamela had serious misgivings now as to how much she should tell her. She seemed emotionally frail. Almost unstable.

"Your son is a good man. He's changed a lot. We're alright, Suellen. Our marriage is alright. Don't worry about that."

Suellen bit her lip and nodded her head.

"But he is in a bit of danger, and that's why I need your help. You see, I'm afraid he might commit…he might go after somebody. Somebody that hurt me. And I have to do something about it. Before he does."

Again, Suellen nodded, her big eyes full of understanding.

"So, if you can find me a criminal lawyer I can trust. One that deals with…rape."

Suellen didn't even flinch. "I have a very good one. I'll bring her here tomorrow. What time?"

"Call me beforehand, and I'll make sure he's out of here."

"Allright."

Like the folding of a dove's tail, their timing was perfect, because John Ross walked in at that precise moment.

He stopped in his tracks and said, "Mama."

Suellen gave nothing away, "Hello, son." She smiled from ear to ear as she got up to hug him.

He held her longer that he ever had in his life. And of the three people in that room, he was the most surprised.


End file.
